Title: Futurtara
Recapper: watty
Additional snark: GayNow {in bold pink}
Even more additional snark and fun facts (see footnotes): Artemis
Rating: R
Disclaimers: BtVS characters and concepts belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others. Futurama characters belong to Gracie Films, Curiosity Company, Fox and others. Fantasy Island characters belong to Spelling-Goldberg Productions, Columbia Pictures Television, ABC and others. Godzilla belongs to Toho Film Company and others. Married...with Children characters belong to Columbia Pictures Television, ELP Communications, Embassy Television, Fox and others. Thundercats characters belong to Pacific Animation Corporation, Rankin/Bass Productions, Telepictures Corporation and others.
Summary: Don't know what a recap is? Read up on televisionwithoutpity.
Notes: Thanks to RKTers for another successful collaboration. Chris and Sally for the anthological interests. Hermitfish Media Inc for the commercials. Speedballs for allowing the air to circulate. And the statue in front of Car's house for the spiritual guidance.

First of all, did I put in enough disclaimers or what? I diligently googled (actually I wikipedia'ed and amazon'ed) for the production and distribution companies of each show. Some of the names of production companies crack me up. Randomly clicking on the imdb page on production companies give me: Scribble Bibble Productions, Hormone Showbiz, P45 Films (you have to be British to appreciate why the P45 is not a good thing). Oh, there is also Kitten in the Oven Productions, Kittenpants Productions and Kittyboy Creations Inc. Hee.

Futurtara

Weíre in Year 3000, give and take a few years. What's one year compared with three thousand? Insignificant. Really? Incidentally, Our head of financial control once wrote in an email: $140k less $42k = $100k. I was almost tempted to write back to tell him it's $98k. I mean, if we were talking $140m less $42m = $100m, we're $2 million off, which is spare change I will gladly take off anyone's hands. Anyway, I didn't write back to him, I kinda need my job still.

I'm off topic even before I started. Is that a record?

We're at the main room of the Planet Express Delivery Company. {**looks around** We are?} Professor Giles bursts in and instructs Willow and Tara to fetch the others because he has an important announcement. Problem is, Willow and Tara are not in the room, only Slacker!Buffy, who snarks that he needs to get new eyes so he doesnít mistaken her for Willow or Tara. He's saved from further Buffysnark by the arrival of his incompetent personal doctor, who promptly declares that he's having a heart attack. Dr Clemberg is so incompetent that no one bats an eyelid at his misdiagnosis; he tells Giles to be moderate in everything. Heh, some things in life, you just can't be moderate no matter how hard you try.

Kendra enters and says something I don't understand. {Um, watty, pot vs kettle?} BenderSpike follows and he starts complaining about Willow and Tara. What? *indignant* No one is allowed to say anything bad about Willow and Tara. They're Willow and Tara. Besides, why is he complaining that he hears them having sex all the time? Isn't it something that people secretly like to hear? Oh wait, he's not a "people" he's a robot. Willow switches his volume off using a nifty knob thingy but he keeps on talking, only on mute. Heehee, he has no idea people canít hear him! He can't complain. One of my favorite lines from the Empire Strikes Back is when C3PO can't stop talking and Han tells Leia, "shut him up or shut him down!" Spike should compare notes with Threepio about which is better, being on mute or completely turned off. Can I add volume knobs on everyone around me? Especially the geezer on the bus who talks to himself and scratches places that should not be scratched in public?

Back to ProfGiles, who proudly announces that he has invented a What-If Machine. A pregnant pause from the group greets this particular announcement. Oh well, time to go off on a tangent again. Why "pregnant" pause? It must be the whole "expecting" metaphor. And if the wiki dictionary definition is correct, the pause at the Planet Express isn't pregnant, since nothing significant happens next, apart from Tara deadpanning that ProfGiles already invented the What-If Machine. Last year. Oh my.

ProfGiles doesn't let a small detail like that deter him and proceeds to demonstrate how to use the machine. First he powers it up, filling it with much needed fuel -- a cup of tea. Because tea is the answer to life, the universe and everything. [*I thought it's 42, and no itís not 37 - Sars*] In fact, in Year 3000 coffeeteas have taken over from mice and dolphins as guardians of Deep Thought and default rulers of the universe. Furthermore, they have developed a method of harnessing the potential energy in a good cup of tea to use as fuel, using the highly sophisticated research technique known as Out of Tune Humming (have you heard the whistle of a teapot? It's nothing except out of tune.)

It's Kendra who makes the "what-if" statement, and I only know what she's saying because I have close captioning. I read on my screen: "what if you were on some remote island somewhere?"

Fantasy Island

Shot of an island. A cloudless sky, clear blue water, white sandy beaches. In other words, some kind of paradise. One part of me thinks it's the beginning of the Blue Lagoon; the other thinks it's gonna be the Island of DEATH. The peace is broken by the steady roar of an approaching Cessna. "Roar" might be a little optimistic, it's more like a sickly cough followed by a whine and a spit.

Cut to BossGiles, in an outrageously bright white suit (did he use up the planet's supply of bleach?) peering into the sky. Next to him is his sidekick, Xander Tattoo, who for some reason is kneeling on the ground. Does he think he can see the plane better from a position nearer the ground? That doesn't make sense. BossGiles doesn't think so either and tells him so.

Three passengers disembark from the tiny plane. Has anyone tried standing next to a 747-400 when it takes off? [*When it takes off it's moving at 180mph, you can't stand next to it, you'll have to be running very fast to keep up -- Sars*] To imagine 400+ tons hurtling down a runway and then actually being lifted into the air. Thousands of planes does this everyday, we should pause and think about how amazing this is.

But with the tiny, sorry-looking Cessna, I'm hard pressed to find any sense of wonderment. The passengers it disgorges seem to think so too. A bottle blonde with a decent enough rack takes one look at the surroundings and her nose wrinkles as if there is an unpleasant smell. She looks down at the still kneeling form of Xander Tattoo and a thinly disguised look of amusement crosses her face. Xander falls over himself (well, as much as one can fall over while kneeling) and fawns himself all over her. We learn that her name is Ms Jenkins.

The second passenger to emerge is a short guy with dyed spiky hair. There's a kind of anarchistic, primitive look about him. He is introduced as Mr Osbourne. I hope he isn't another one of Ozzy's offsprings, I think the world has had enough of Jack and Kelly.

There is a pause before the last passenger gingerly makes her way out, looking very green and not like someone going on a vacation in paradise. Flight didn't agree with her obviously. BossGiles greets her as Ms Rosenberg and offers her a glass of ginger ale. Does he know something about Ms Rosenberg that we don't? I think I'm being overdramatic. Even in her sickly state she makes a snarky comment about BossGiles' far too bright white suit. Hee. She thanks him for the ginger ale and he confirms that her purpose of visiting Fantasy Island is to fall in love. Well not looking this green she isn't, since green doesn't exactly give out "I'm available" vibes, though that didn't stop Fiyero from being inexplicably drawn to Elphaba. mmmWicked.

BossGiles seems to have decided to give Ms Rosenberg his attention, since Xander is busy schmoozing Ms Jenkins and Mr Osbourne seems to have disappeared. While walking her to her cabin, he discreetly puts a love spell on her. Oh! He's not BossGiles, he's the Wizard of Giles. Yay! Willow, that's Ms Rosenberg, doesn't notice that a white magic mist has settled on her shoulders. If I'm watching say, the Twilight Zone, I'll be chilled to the bone about this ghostly mist. But hey, this is Fantasy Island, it's forever cheerful and cheesy and now I feel bad for even suggesting something so creepy.

Giles is now back to BossGiles mode. He's in the kitchen dishing out his weekly lecture to his staff about how to behave around the guests. Most importantly, staff and guests are strictly forbidden to get chummy with each other. Never mix business with pleasure, that's what he wrote in the staff handbook. I really think he hasn't had any other experience running resorts, because surely he knows that there is an understanding, even expectation, that resort staff are available 24/7 to cater for their guests' every whim? *wink* I mean, if they're only supposed to be there to clean or serve food, then there is no need to hire ones as good-looking at this group, nor is there a need to uniform them in short shorts and tight t-shirts, is there?

Talking about good-looking, please turn your attention to the head chef who is busy adding herbs and spices to tonight's dinner. What's this about hot chefs? It used to be when you talk about tv chefs (um characters who are chefs not "celebrity" chefs), the likes of Artie and Spongebob Squarepants come to mind. And of course Chef. You know? Chef. Chocolate Salty Balls? That Chef? Sigh, no one understands me. *pouts* This chef is different. She's hot.

Whaddaya know, Giles' creepy White Mist of Doom settles on her. Well, not so much doom, since we decided this is Fantasy Island, not Twilight Zone. White Mist of Lust then, better?

True to his word, the Wizard of Giles sets Willow up with various potential "fall in love" candidates. It's a hilarious sequence of her going on different dates, I almost think the director should have used the split screen method. First up is Ozzy Junior, complete with heavy metal t-shirt and raw meat-eating table manners. I was right about him being a primitive! Willow is disgusted, but is saved by an angel in chef's uniform. Chef Tara to the rescue! Go Chef Tara!

Next up is stuffyboots Wesley, with some sort of impressive double-barreled surname. [*I know a few double-barreled surnames. Wan-Ker, Pin-Head, Jack-Ass - Sars*] Overattentive seems to be his middle name as he positively stifles Willow, making all her decisions for her, to her annoyance. Yes, I can see the light situated behind him shining through his empty brain. He expresses surprise that Willow, a vegetarian, doesn't like tofu. What's the problem with that, I'm a meat eater and I don't like pork, though I like tofu. Especially tofu ice cream, yum. Hey now, wipe that "ewwww" look off your face, tofu ice cream is just another type of soy ice cream that vegans and lactose-intolerant folks enjoy. The "ewwww" look on Willow's face when she looks at Wesley though, that's priceless. And what-ho! Saved by the Belle. Belle, who goes by the name of Tara normally, offers up the scrumptious sounding portabello mushroom quesadilla and Willow looks like she's so ready to eat ... the quesadilla! Mind outta gutter please.

Third time lucky may be. Yeah right. Her third date is just as disastrous as the last two. It's Gunn the Mechanic and he can't stop yakking about jacks and shocks. I can just hear Willow's inner monologue:

Gunn: <yap yap yap jacks shocks yap yap yap^gt;
GoodWillow: We should pretend to pay attention, be nice.
BadWillow: Forget it. Tool is our friend. We call him that because he is one.

And her fairy godmother Tara shows up, as if by magic, to offer her coffee. And a way out. What does the ungrateful one do? She leaves and hastily returns to her room, narrowly missing Tara's look of rejection and disappointment. Drat, why hasn't the White Mist of Lust started working its mojo yet?

Back in her room, Willow realizes she is the tool. So she makes amends by calling room service. Ah, it's room service, catering for guests' needs 24/7. This time, the WMoL goes its thing; Tara answers the phone and purrs that she'll deliver the requested pot of coffee personally. Okay, rant. What are the chances of the head chef of an upmarket resort answering the room service phone? Zilch. Zippo. Nada. Diddly-squat. It's the same thing as the Head of IT not having to run the daily server backup routine, it's too much of a waste of their time and salary. I do declare that it's the WMoL finally getting off its ass [*It's a mystical cloud, where is its ass situated exactly? -- Sars*].

Oh yeah, between the Chef talk and Tara serving Willow coffee (I wonder if she served Willow anything else?), I decided to make my own South Park Willow and Tara, together with coffee and tropical drink.

It's the end of the week. The guests climb onboard the Cessna with smug grins on their faces, obviously so satisfied that they forget they're getting on such a contraption. Giles is in a quandary though, he hasn't seen Ms Rosenberg despite all the men he threw her way. He is a man who doesn't know failure and he's pissed off at the ineptness of his spells. Problem with spells, unlike the towels Car's mom bought for me (not that I'll want to return them. Yay for sales!), spells are non-returnable and non-refundable. I guess the purveyors of spells had better lawyers to come up with iron-tight non-return policies.

Willow bounces up to Giles and grins. Giles apologizes, but stops short of offering her a refund (he has the same lawyers as the purveyors of spells?). She does a double-take and tells him that duh, he's a dolt and of course she's in love.

Aaaaaand it's the chef! No fraternizing with the staff indeed. Snerk. They thank him for the Love Potion Number 9, and furthermore, Willow is staying. They're turning Fantasy Island to a lesbian resort. Oooooh! Look out Lesbos, you have competition now!

And we blipvert to ...

Futurtara

Back at Planet Express the pervs are happy about what they just saw. Except Spike, who is complaining again about Willow and Tara being in love. They gang up on him and asks what his problem is.

He snorts and attempts to asks the What-If machine what the sitch is if Willow and Tara aren't in love. If the machine has eyes, it'll surely glare at him. As such, it splutters and asks, in its unique way, for another cup of tea. After Giles obliges it activates its Infinite Improbability Drive and gives us ...

Willzilla and Queen Tarah

Oh my. It's Japanese giant monster cartoon time. My initial distaste that it's dubbed rather than subtitled turns to mild excitement as Willzilla makes her grand entrance. Smash! Bang! Wallop! She sets fire to a ship in the most spectacular manner and attacks anything and everything in sight. Nothing is safe from her destruction. Boy, Willzilla a one badass, foul mood bitca, she must get PMS real bad. I bet she has hormonal problems. She needs to get the Advanced Low Sex Drive (Libido) Hormone Test Kit, an "accurate, quick and easy saliva home hormone test" that includes a free 10-minute phone consultation with a compounding pharmacist. Okay, what's a "compounding" pharmacist? Someone who isn't a simple pharmacist?


view poll results

Scene fades to the anime version of the Specialfriends, aka the Willzilla Combat Task Force headquarters, where our intrepid heroes Buffy and Xander are watching the spectacle unfold on specially designed anti-Willzilla screens. Willzilla continues her rampage through the city, stopping only to use a bus as back-scratcher [*at least be grateful she isn't using it as a toe scratcher -- Sars*] and a lattice dome as a bowling ball which she aims expertly at office blocks masquerading as bowling pins.

"She must be stopped!" General Buffy proclaims. She orders her sidekick, Xander, to bring out the Serious Hardware. Well it must be either Xander's or Buffy's bad luck this week, because the Serious Hardware is stuck in the Serious Laundry, getting Serious Attention. So, they have nothing. Woe betide, it's the end of the world as we know it! How can anyone say they feel fine? [*Michael Stipe? -- Sars*]

Amidst the handwringing and minor panic brewing, in swoops Crazy!Drusilla, in her full lacy glory. Her contribution towards the battle Willzilla defense? A proposal to merge an ugly-as-ass lizard with a cute-as-ass kitten and a foul-as-ass fruitbat to give a giant monster-fighting ... giant monster. Only a true wacko, in the best Michael Jackson tradition, can think of blending such a concoction. Buffy and Xander, with no other alternative, give Dru the go ahead. They leave her to it while they quietly slip out of the building, just to show her how much support they are willing to give her.

A deep boom signals that the merge has happened. Oh, the building blows up too, so that's kind of a sign. The Amazing Queen Tarah emerges and I can't decide if I'm awestruck or grossed out. The magnificent three-headed, golden scaled, winged giant creature shakes herself out of the rubble and head towards Willzilla.

The unsuspecting Willzilla is busy playing with toys. Heh, she's like a kid in a toy shop [*how did we get from hormonal PMSing bitca to kid in toy store? -- Sars*], ripping out chunks of road and swinging it around like a two iron, aiming cars and trucks at non-existent bunkers and greens in the distance. Look out, Tiger! The Amazing Queen Tarah unceremoniously interrupts the driving range practice, crashing Willzilla into a shopping mall and flying away to assess the damage.

Willzilla is pissed. [*If she's pissed now, what was she before? Sipping tequila sunrise on the beach? - Sars*] She scrambles up and taunts Queen Tarah. They circle quietly, eyeing each other, fingers twitching, waiting for an offguard moment. Queen Tarah makes her move first, but Willzilla is more than a match for her. Lightning bolts, radioactive rays, lots of noise and smoke accompany each move. It's riveting. And reminds me of ... inflatable sumo suit fighting. What? You know I'm weird.

As quick as it begins, the fighting stops. The air crackles with anticipation. Then with two thunderous leaps they close the gap but instead of clawing each other's eyes out OMFG!!!! they're making out. Then it get like a sauna. I never thought I'd see the day when I'm watching giant monster porn. Okay, now Queen Tarah putting the train carriage into Willzilla's what? I don't want to look, yet I can't stop looking. These two give new meaning to earth-shattering sex. *is in shock*

I can't take anymore. Luckily we fade to ...

Futurtara

There is silence at Planet Express. Speechlessness and horror mixes with embarrassment and perhaps a little titillation. Buffy comes to the rescue and asks the What-if machine for something more normal.

Married...with Lesbians

From the terror of the destruction of Tokyo, we now turn to the terror of the destruction of a suburban home.

We're in Chicago. {**Looks around. We are? Oh wait. I am.**} Giles Bundy is home. He makes it clear that he's home by heading directly towards his favorite couch and demands beer. His long suffering wife Joyce dryly tells him that they're out of beer, thus giving him a rise that rarely happens.

Tara Bundy traipses down the stairs with a backpack that suspiciously has condensation on the outside. But since she is her Daddy's pumpkin she can do no wrong. Her younger sister Buffy tries to whistleblows but gets a blow on the shin instead. She can get nothing right that Buffy. Just then, the doorbell chimes and Tara rushes to open the door because she knows it's her next door neighbor and crush, Willow. They almost smooch but no one notices.

With a poorly constructed excuse, Tara and Willow disappears, obviously to do more smooching. I want to continue watching but ...

Futurtara

Planet Express Tara expresses her concern that the portrayal of her in a dysfunctional Mid-west tv family is unrealistic. She wants to watch something else.

Incompetent Dr Clemberg prompts ProfGiles to say the magic words, "what if Willow and Tara were cats?" I expect a moving documentary from the Discovery Channel, instead we get ...

Thundercats

Yet another comic tie-in cartoon I've never seen. Is this Torture the Recapper Saturday morning or what. Why can't they show something more normal like Tom & Jerry or Sailor Moon. Geez.

Some Pat Morita type of panther cat is in a ring, facing a Ralph Macchio lion cublet type. Ralph is actually Will-O, designated leader of their tribe. I guess I'm supposed to know the name of the tribe or the planet they live on, but I'm blanked out.

So Ralp--Will-O fights Pat. I guess I should be respectful and call him Master Pat. Master Pat is testing Will-O's power before she can ascend to be the leader of their tribe. I mentioned she's the designated leader, right? I wonder if the populace voted or was it some sort of royal family deal. He calls her "kitten" and tells her to push hard; I wonder if they have some Master-slave thing going on, then I remember ... kid's show and must show respect to Master Pat.

Mock-fighting.

More realistic fighting.

Actual fighting.

Looking good, kitten.

He ends up with his face in the sand. Will-O is smug. I snigger. That'll show the old fart.

Penultimate trial is complete. One last one, of course it's gonna be the hardest. They don't show us the prior trials, may be they were too boring like play chess with Gary Kasparov or juggle 3 balls. I don't really care.

Cheetara is running. Running, running, running.

And thinking.

Ah, she's Will-O's teacher too, only she's much younger and hotter than Master Pat. It's like ... Liam and Ewan, yep yep. I didn't get a lot of HoYayness out of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, mainly because I respect Neeson and McGregor as actors; with Obi-Wan and Anakin it's the opposite reason -- I don't think Hayden Christiansen can muster more than 3 expressions, and to slash him with someone like Ewan McGregor is just sacrilegious. Anyway, back on track, I am getting H.E.A.V.Y. femslashy vibes off Cheetara and Will-O. Cheetara is thinking about Will-O choosing her mate once she becomes leader (you remember she's designated leader, yes?) but she dreads that it won't be her. C'mon Cheetara, all is fair in love and war. Are teacher-student relationships taboo where they are? Well if not, fight for her, Cheetara!

She meets Will-O at the start of the final trial and they flirt. Well they don't, but in my mind they do, okay? Indulge me.

Will-O is supposed to race against Cheetara. Now I did look this up, the maximum speed of animals. A cheetah can top (hee I said top, we had a top/bottom/switch discussion in chat the other day) 70mph whereas a lion maxes out at 50mph. So Will-O has to rely on something more than speed to get through this obstacle course trial. Of course Cheetara wants Will-O to win, though she has to make sure that she "loses" convincingly.

And they're off!

Running.

Running.

Running.

Ho hum. I feel like I'm watching Chariots of Fire. Will-O is surely feeling the Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner.

But no! The Mutants have to spoil the fun. Stupid!Spike Mutant comes up on her and attacks her. Now it becomes Run Lola Run. Luckily Will-O has a few brain cells more than him and with a few leaps she lures him to a bunch of trees. He lunges at her, she ducks and he's stuck with his claws firmly stuck in the tree trunk. Snerk.

She thinks she's free of the Mutants, but no! Fruit Punch Mouth Master and Bad Angel has taken Cheetara prisoner! They don't believe in treating prisoner's nicely like Razz!Willow did in She-Ra. Cheetara looks like shit, and that has totally brings out the butch in Will-O. She prepares to fight the Master with her tiny sword. Um, I hope she has better weapons than that little thing, doesn't seem quite enough for the Master. True to his word, he shoots blue lightning out of his arms directly at Will-O. He wants her sword, for some god-forsaken evil reasons. I have flashbacks at Emperor Palpatine flashing the same blue lightning at Luke Skywalker and boy am I in a Star Wars mood today. Will-O writhes about in pain; she is much more convincing than Mark Hamill, who looked very dreamy in his jumpsuit on Episode 4 but after his motorcycle accident his looks just went apeshit.

More magic painful blue lightning.

Her resolve waning, she's on the verge of giving up the sword when the voice of Cheetara enters her head. Seeing her friend {Do they "do spells" together?} in pain, a new resilience surges up inside her and as if by magic (yeah, an essential ingredient in children's programming, how can I forget?) she triggers the power of the sword. It grows and swells and any phallic undertone must be ignored because ... kid's show, you know.

With a shout of "Thundercats! Ho!" she roars and in a flurry of strokes the Master is dispatched. Bad Angel, who has so far done nothing in this show except hold Cheetara by a leash, gets a right kicking in the face. He does the wise thing and disappears after his master.

Will-O and Cheetara rush to each other and warmly embrace. By activating the sword, Will-O has moved from designated leader to real leader, even though she never finished the obstacle course. I suppose TPTB are so random that they make exceptions all the time.

Oh, they smooch. In a strictly PG way. But Will-O shyly asks Cheetara to be her mate and Cheetara says yes by upping the rating to PG-13. Sigh, why can't we move to R? Or more? *pouts*

And finally ...

Futurtara

Back at the Planet Express everyone is filled with the warm and fuzzies.

Except BenderSpike. But then nobody cares what he thinks. He shrugs and goes to get a drink.

Producers: Chris Cook and Sally McFine



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