Title: The Sword of She-Ra - Her Eyes were Black!1 {Why does this seem like the title to a bad 007 film?}
Recapper: watty
Additional snark: GayNow {in bold pink}
Even more additional snark and fun facts (see footnotes): Artemis
Rating: R
Disclaimers: BtVS characters belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others. She-Ra characters belong to Mattel Inc, Filmation Associates and others.
Summary: Don't know what a recap is? Read up on televisionwithoutpity.
Notes: Thanks to RKTers for another successful collaboration. Chris for granting us the power of She-Ra. Hermitfish Media Inc for the commercials. The Bens for the music. And cute little Jackson, I want to play magic pancakes with him again.

All is not well in Willow's world. {She has that "not-so-fresh" feeling?} She dreams of being naked and stalked by an unknown shadowy figure with blue eyes coming to her through the fog. Does her naked state have anything to do with Fog Woman? Or is it a simple case of forgetting to get changed before going to bed? Not a wise move, sleeping in the buff ... um well, wrong choice of word there. What if she needs to run out quickly to deal with a Horde attack? {I have the feeling a nekkid Willow would stop the Horde in its tracks. }

Now most of us wake up and we brush our teeth and take a shower; {At least twice a year...whether I need it or not} if we're especially groggy we turn the shower setting colder right? Well it's obvious Willow is more in tune with nature because her cold shower equivalent is to hug one of her walls that's made from rough wood. {A hug? **Just** a hug? I think she needed a smoke after that "wake up call."} Interesting aesthetic, to have three walls of normal brick and one of wood. What's the lesson here? I dunno, something to do with the tree of life? {Or the tree of happies...erm...happiness.} <*Chris: I think she's just curious about what it's like for guys to wake up with wood. *runs the hell away* *>

After the tree hugging she goes to take her shower at the lake. {Shower or bath? Oh who cares? Nekkid Willow! Mmmmm. } Here's the nature theme again. <*Chris: Here's the casual nudity theme again.*> Her fellow rebel Xander shows up but she isn't bothered about him looking at her naked form. Give the guy credit; he isn't ogling either.2 Any other girl may be put out that he isn't. {Perhaps because Xander knows that Willow **doesn't** "put out" -- hence the not bothering to ogle.} They don't want you to look; but secretly they want you to because if you're not looking it means they're not attractive enough. {And you know that they know that you know that we all know that...oh forget it.} (watty: ) Women. Damn if I can figure them out. [*Wait, wait. Am I missing something? Aren't you one of us too? -- Sars*]

Xander is all serious guy about their rebellion. Remember, "rebels" are almost always on the good side in these types of epic inter-galactic struggles. {Use the force, watty.} (watty: now is not the right time to tell Kittens about how I got my macbook pro to make lightsaber noises is it?) Governments and empires are the evil big bads. I mean, who wants to be a bureaucrat, shoving paper around and writing stupid emails like "to requisition for post-it notes, you need to complete forms TP-56A and R82B in triplicate and return to department 5G. If you are requisitioning for post-it notes in colors other than the standard yellow, you will need to complete form 67(FN) and obtain approval from department 7J before sending the completed set of forms to department 5C." Ruling the world is no fun. And leads to evil.3 {That's because Post-its are evil...and everything eventually leads to Post-its.}

Here's Cecile!4 {WOOT! Rah Rah, Cecile! **Puts cheerleader uniform away**} I expected her to show up, I know something's up with the producers. I'm smart that way. [*No comment -- Sars*] This time she's a sprite. Sprite the mystical creature, not Sprite the soft drink. (Didn't I use this joke already?) {Yes.} Talking about soft drinks, I recently tasted my first Diet Rite and though it was quite okay, I'm still puzzled as to why I'm drinking a drink whose major selling point is that it has nothing -- no calories, no carbs, no sodium, no caffeine. The first three are fine, but no caffeine? That's, um, the primary reason for me drinking Diet Coke. {Diet Rite RAWKS!!!} (watty: yes it does but it still has no caffeine)

Back on topic, Cecile brings Willow and Xander to Buffy, who tells them that the evil big bad Horde are on their way to attack their castle, having landed a shitload of warships in the rebel harbor. A harbor that is supposed to be protected magically. Willow starts doing her woody magic thing by communicating with the plants and grass around her. {Oh to be a single blade of that grass. I'm not worthy!} It's creepy, the vegetation creeps all over her and she becomes a mummy wrapped in grass and dirt. Buffy suppresses a retch at the sight and I think I'll join her.5

Willow is unmummified and reports that there is another magic force within the Horde army. Thousands of ordinary citizens are at risk but there's no time to summon help {No biggie...they're ordinary, after all}, not even if they use the trusted fire signal method. They decide that they have to do it themselves. {You said "do it themselves." **snort**} Ha! Time and time again throughout history, that's what the heroes do. They're outnumbered and surrounded. Yet they plunge headlong into battle and somehow find the way to defeat the bad guys. {Except William Wallace...he got his head lopped off.} (watty: history showoff. Oh wait, you saw Braveheart.) {No...I've played Age of Empires}

And that's EXACTLY what happens in the ensuing mighty battle. {Of course.} Force Captain Tara, who somehow combines being impossibly hot-looking with an air of chilling menace, leads the Horde. She barks orders like "Defensive Formation!" and still manages to sound hot. <*Chris: Barking orders is hot! *> Hotness, though, isn't enough to fight off the one-two slam-dunk of Willow and Buffy's combined magic. Heh, Buffy does magic too. {As long as she isn't "doing spells" with Willow, everything is okay.} They make this cloaking cloud so that Willow can get closer to the captain. And for a brief moment their eyes met and KABOOOOM! Something Important happens. {Willow realizes she's not the only one with that "not-so-fresh" feeling?}

Buffy the Spoilerho interrupts and is about to slay Tara when Willow stops her. She slays Tara's tower tank instead. Willow explains that she needs Tara. Buffy looks at her funny, then helps her friend. {Well, that's pretty much par for the course, isn't it? Buffy's always looking at someone funny. Or is she just funny looking?} They take Tara prisoner.

On learning this, big evil Hordak aka Papa Horde flies into a rage.6 {Too bad he didn't fly into a wall.} Someone has taken his Tara and he needs to get even. Pity the poor minion who brings him that news, he gives the minion a tongue lashing (his tongue lashes out and gives all of them thirty whacks, they moan in a mixture of pain and pleasure. Well, they don't exactly ... I have an active and sadistic imagination7) {No comment.} followed by threat of death in a thousand pieces. Well, he gives him to his evil bombshell sidekick Faith, who snacks on the minion. Death in a thousand pieces may be a preferred option. {Of course, I'm having decidedly naughty thoughts at the prospect of "being eaten" by Faith...different context, of course.}

He turns to his minion #1, Shadow Weaver and threatens her too, until she reminds him of the matter at hand, of Tara's enchantment in danger of being broken. I sit up. {You were lying down?} What enchantment breaking? He can't kill minion #1 but he throws a hissy fit la Donald Trump and warns her that he'll fire her ass if she doesn't step up and do her job. Somewhere in Chicago, Boyfriend Bill Rancic trembles in his pants.

Meanwhile back at the dungeon--um rebel camp, Buffy's mom, Joy, arrives. I don't know what purpose she serves in the story other than to show that she's some high-ranking royal who rules the kingdom.8 And she is Buffy's mom.9 They exposition that they have a prisoner {"Exposition" as a verb again...I'm not sure if it's as impactful as we might want it to be}, even though it's Willow's idea and not Buffy's. Talk of the devil, Willow arrives and they debate whether they should keep said prisoner. {But Willow is thinking about what she could do to said prisoner.} They formulate their arguments. Oooh, I love Court TV. Lawyer chicks are so hot. (And yes, that was supposed to be sarcasm, or self-deprecating humor, or something. Sigh, I need to sort out my love life.) {Again, no comment.} On one side, there's Buffy -- who from a military perspective doesn't like the risks associated with having prisoners-of-war. On the other side, there's Willow -- who sees magic and can't resist. Well, with someone who looks like Tara, I don't blame her. { }

We're at Willow's home {**looks around** We are?} and she mentally undresses her prisoner and finds her ... adequate. Okay, more than adequate, judging from the elevator eyes. She can't decide if she's intrigued or turned on; she decides both. {Me too.} Tara wakes up, they talk, and Willow does her mojo witch thing on Tara's injuries, but not before Tara makes some wisecrack about the concoction that Willow put together being a truth potion. {But she's secretly hoping it's a lllooovvveee potion.} They talk even more and move onto the subject of how they're supposed to be mortal enemies. Tara's attitude changes; we're given to understand it's because of Willow's spell on her injuries. They conclude that Tara is under a spell, which exonerates her from being evil. It's kinda like the temporary insanity plea in murder trials. "I plead not guilty, Your Honor, for the reason that I was under a spell." Yeah right. {Sorta like the Twinkie defense , eh?}

Before you know it, they start flirting with each other, like exchanging the typical a/s/l type of info. Soon the talk moves onto the subject of sex, because the convo always comes back to sex. Why are you surprised? Haven't any of you been in chat? Cue romantic violins!10 {Why does it have to be violins? Can't trombones be romantic? Or tubas? There's a bias against brass instruments, I think.} They look at each other with googly eyes and before you can say "case thrown out" they're sharing their fantasies and are making out. As a Heavy Dramatic Gesture, Willow releases the kinky cuffs around Tara and lots of hotness follows. {If you had the choice of Tara touching you or not touching you, which would you choose?} (watty: I wouldn't know. I stay away from thinking about sex and touching and stuff) I'm amused that the producers took out the kink, what's the fun in doing the deed using normal boring methods? [*I wouldn't call kissing and groping and rubbing and licking and what on earth are they doing now?!!! "boring," I know it's a fade-out scene, I have imagination too - Sars*] Somewhere during the night, Tara hums "I'm Under Your Spell." {"You make me COM-PLETE!" }

During the night, Willow has a nasty dream. She wakes up, Tara comforts her, and they start again. I suppose they are trained warriors, so I shouldn't be surprised that they have so much endurance. And no, this is not product placement for Chapter 9 of UberSmut. {Though it should be. RAH RAH UBERSMUT!}

Next morning, they wake up but Tara is singing another tune. {What tune? "Magic" from Xanadu? "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"? "The Yellow Rose of Texas"? DETAILS!} (watty: "I'm too Sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts.") Her eyes are also black. Now I get it: eyes black = evil; eyes blue = hotness. {Um, she's kinda hot with the black eyes too.} Willow, on the other hand, hasn't sussed it out yet and as she tries to reason with Tara, she gets whacked on the head. Ha! Tara runs away sans sword and Willow is left to face the music with Buffy and Xander. {Which music is that? Disco? Swing? Punk Rock?} They tell her she's a dunce and she's fallen to the oldest trick in the book. Willow tries to argue that Tara is good, but Buffy doesn't buy it. Logically, Buffy makes sense -- a prisoner will do anything to try to escape, including seduction. Willow still can't believe it, cos of some "wuv...twu wuv" thing that she's convinced is happening between she and Tara. What do I think? I think Willow just wants more mind-blowing sex. {Wouldn't you?} (watty: see earlier comment about not thinking about sex and stuff.)

Tara is rescued by Faith the bombshell. Papa Horde's #1 minion, aka Shadow Weaver, examines Tara thoroughly. And I mean thoroughly. The type of thoroughly that has me screaming, "OMG, TMI!!" {Screaming or squealing?} She senses Willow all over (and inside, heh) Tara and there is major panic as she and Papa Horde realize that sex with Willow is magical in the actual as well as metaphorical sense. She muses that they must have been "doing spells" together. Papa Horde is pissed, and I get very creepy vibes off him, that he wants Tara all for himself and not innocently either. {Confession time...I want Tara all for myself too. And I don't have very many innocent fantasies in that area.} Bile flows up from my stomach area. Shadow Weaver suggests killing off Tara as a long-term safety measure, but Papa Horde asserts his ownership and refuses to let anyone harm his precious Tara. They give her a booster spell (a bit like when you get vaccinated, you need to get booster shots regularly) to make sure her eyes stay black and she forgets about Willow. {Oh, but she can never forget about Willow. Not truly forget.}

Willow and Xander hang out. Well, "hang out" in the middle of a rebellion war doesn't quite describe it, but ... whatever. {As long as Xander isn't really "hanging out" I'm okay with this scenario.} (watty: groan.) She tells Xander about her night with Tara and it takes him a minute to fully grasp the concept of "sleeping together." {That always amazes me about men. After all, when they go to bed with someone, isn't that pretty much what they do? Sleep? "Oh, baby, that was amaz...."**snore**} What did he think they were doing last night? I mean, they started the night as gaoler-prisoner and ended with Willow confiding her love for Tara to Xander. Something more than small talk must have gone down. {Obviously, Willow and Tara "went down"...a number of times.} While Xander's brain kicks into gear about the sitch, Willow secretly replays every single scene from last night in her head and again realizes she'll never have sex this mind-blowing like, ever again. So she cries and cries and cries. As if by magic (see Fraggle Rock recap re: magical timing) a single tear falls perfectly on the black gemstone on Tara's sword and before I start wondering why Willow's crying on a sword it cracks and changes color from black to blue. I.Get.It. Black = evil; blue = good. I try to dodge the anvil that's hanging precariously over my head. {You're not trying very hard.}


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A shout from Queen Joy snaps them out of the sword investigation. They learn that the Horde army is attacking, led by none other than a fully restored black-eyed Captain Tara. An epic battle (these battles must always be epic, I'm learning) ensues. Imagine lots of fighting and more fighting. {Only if the fighting is happening in a large vat of chocolate pudding.} Buffy and Faith meet and are locked in battle (an epic battle, of course...we've already established that those are the rules) while predictably, Tara and Willow move slowly toward each other. {Cue the ominous violins. See? They don't always have to be romantic.} Finally they come face to face and instead of fighting her, Willow tries to reason with Tara and allows Tara to get her sword back. WTF. Tara's all black-eyed and she's like, dude I wasn't myself, I have this jewel protecting me, thanks for the sword and I'm gonna kill you now. I can tell she's not truly evil because she doesn't do the speechifying speech thing that all villains do before they kill the good guy. {Ah, there's nothing better than a good evil monologue. It's a talent. It's a gift.} Willow's all sad, cos she's about to die before she gets a chance to have great sex with Tara one last time. {I'd be sad too.} Her sadness frees up the tears that are embedded in the gemstone on the sword. As if by magic (again) a single drop flows down to Tara's fingers. Instead of wiping it off on a piece of tissue or worse, on her tunic, Tara brings it up to her mouth and tastes it. Huh? Tara dear, did you skip your health ed lesson? <*Chris: She lives in the Fright Zone, and had an evil corpse-sorceress stick her hand through her stomach, and this you're worried about?*> Some unknown waterdrop trickles to your hand and you taste it? Have you never heard of infectious diseases? Cooties? {And the paranoia returns! Cue creepy French horns.} Anyway, sunlight shines through the gem and turns Tara's eyes blue again. I almost expect this to turn into an episode of the Smurfs and Tara goes entirely blue to reinforce the "black = evil; blue = good" lesson.11 Snerk. {Sometimes you amaze even yourself.}

As soon as her eyes turn blue she does this shudder thing [*Shudder thing? You're sex obsessed -- Sars*] {Me too. } and the protective jewel over her chest splits into a thousand pieces and she's like, what's happening, who am I, what am I doing here and all that jazz. {Thank you. I'm now singing "C'mon, babe, we're gonna paint the town. **snap snap** And all that jazz!") (watty: yw. we aim to please.) The spell broken, they fall into each other's arms and much steamy hotness ensues. I snigger, because this is supposed to be a cartoon but there's hot lesbian monkey sex going on. It's great. {Cartoons are rarely ever really for kids. Only Trix are for kids.}

Meanwhile the battle continues. {Is it still epic?} During a break from Willow-macking, Tara hops up to the top of a fallen boulder, raises her sword and everyone can see her post-coital glow as she transforms into She-ra. She's now wearing a white tunic with gold emblem across her chest that does nothing to hide her cleavage {Thank goodness. }; the skirt is cut at the top of her thighs. She also has a flowing red cape and serious fuck-me golden high heel boots.12 Willow's face is contorted and she's breathing heavily, it looks like she's orgasming spontaneously at the sight. {Wouldn't you?}

Eyes blue and intense (like Xena on a baaaad day) {For the record...Xena's eyes are always blue and intense.} (watty: why did I just know you'd pick up on a Xena detail?) Tara storms through the Horde army, who either run away or faint at her attack. She confronts Faith and even bombshell Faith is no match for a Tara intent on getting back to Willow to resume where they left off. {Spend time locked in an epic battle, using her newly found powers, with Faith, the she-panther, or get back to hot, steamy sex with Willow, using her newly found powers? Hmm...not much of a debate there.}

Faith crawls back to Papa Horde's stronghold and faces the wrath of Papa Horde. Papa Horde is in the middle of almost killing his #1 minion, until said #1 minion plays a vital card - there is another hope. They settle into an uneasy alliance and plot their next evil deed. Sequel anyone? {We can only hope.}

Back at the Whispering Wood, Tara and Willow make with the loving. {Who has the polaroids?} (watty: Polaroids? It's all about youtube nowadays.)

Lots of lessons this ep. The most important one: love and great sex always triumph over evil badness. [*Sigh. This is all about the power of true love and the fight between good and evil and you turn it into a sex romp. You're such a perv -- Sars*] {Me too. }

Producer: Taskmaster Chris.

Footnotes:

1. Fun fact: The title of the show (and the heroine's name) was originally to be He-Ra, as in the Greek goddess Hera - they added the 'S' to get around someone's copyright.

2. If you ogled in the She-Ra world, you'd never have time to do anything else. Willow's the only woman on the planet who even wears pants.

3.Except for He-Man, whose father Randor ruled Eternia. Though I did always wonder: they had a space/time transporter capable of returning his wife to Earth, her home, yet somehow she always believed she was 'stranded' on Eternia, with no better options but to marry Randor. Damn suspicious, if you ask me.

4.Fun fact: male Twiggets are depicted as comedic caricatures. Female Twiggets are just plain hot. See?

5.At least it works - the old cartoon version of Willow's character barely ever did a successful spell. But Willow does get to say 'Oh deary me' in a shout-out to Madame Razz version 1.

6. Fun fact: Hordak's bizarre face was based on an African witch-doctor's mask. That's right kids, even witch-doctors can look like twerps sometimes.

7. So did the makers of Masters of the Universe, evidently, seeing as there really was a Tung Lashor toy, and its tongue really did whip out and attack people. Yup, they sold these to children, folks.

8. Same purpose as all toy-cartoon supporting characters - create more toys to sell!

9. Even better - if they're related, they could have much the same figure and costume, so you can just re-use the mould and save money on making the toy.

10. Fun Fact: Masters of the Universe/She-Ra was one of very few cartoons to feature a real orchestra providing the score - might as well use 'em!

11. Skeletor had blue skin. So did Trapjaw, come to think of it - they'd have fitted in just fine on Smurfs. For a certain value of 'fine'. Fun Fact: Skeletor was really He-Man's uncle.

12. Fun Fact: several of the episode directors on She-Ra made it their task to ensure that you never saw up She-Ra's skirt, even when she did flips and roundhouse kicks. There's several episodes where they failed, much to the delight of fans. Who need lives. *cough*



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