Title: The Dykes of Hazzard - It's as plain as the lesbian noses on your faces {Just our noses are lesbians? What about the rest of us?}
Recapper: watty
Additional snark: GayNow {in bold pink}
Rating: R
Disclaimers: BtVS characters belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others. The Dukes of Hazzard characters belong to Lou Step Productions, Warner Brothers, CBS and others.
Summary: Don't know what a recap is? Read up on televisionwithoutpity.
Notes: Thanks to RKTers for another successful collaboration. Sally McFine for the hazzardy laughs. Hermitfish Media Inc for the commercials. GlaxoWellcome for the gay harmonica. And Car's Gram for the memorable meatballs and sausage pasta (yes, I still have food on my mind).

I was all set to recap the Love Boat, having done research, listened to the theme song, looked up the meaning of "gopher" and decorated my TV viewing space with appropriate seafaring paraphernalia. {Did it blend in well with your 'other' paraphernalia?} I even put on my crisp white captain's uniform. [*Don't tell me why you have a captain's uniform -- Sars*] And what happens? It's pre-empted because the producer was sick. Yikes. I was madder than a rabbit in a steakhouse but I realized I can't complain, because we could have been pre-empted by jello-pool wrestling or the weather report. {'Madder than a rabbit in a steakhouse' -- what goes on in steakhouses that gets rabbits so mad?}

And it's the Dukes! Guaranteed wacky fun and laughter. I change from my pristine white sea captain's uniform into one of my vast collection of checked flannel shirts and ripped jeans. [*And again I won't ask -- Sars*] Here we go. Yippee-ka-yay! {'Yippee-ka-yay'? What color is the sky in your world?}

We open with a sweeping shot of Hazzard County, all peaceful and pastel colors and gentle breeze blowing in the background. Gradually we hear soft moans that grow louder and more insistent. So not befitting the scene. {Okay, for the record, soft moans that grow louder and more insistent always benefit any scene. } Slow pan to the hood of an orange hot-rod where Willow Duke and Tara Duke are having a round of the 3Ks -- kiss, lick and suck. Oh I'm crude-o today. {Today?} They're wearing the most outrageous (if you're 'Outraged' from Smackover, AR; {Now she has her own column. "Dear watty, My tank top is so tight, people can tell the temperature just by looking at my breasts. My girlfriend likes it, but it kind of embarrasses me. What should I do? 'Nipply' in Big Mounds, IA} if you're a normal person you drool) tight tank tops and short shorts. Their cries and moans don't go with the peaceful and pastel scenery. {Cries and moans go with any scenery. Sheesh! You need to get laid, watty.} (watty: pot vs kettle, Car? *bats eyelids*) {Remember, I am the one who keeps running out of batteries...um...wait...} But hot! mama! hot! loving!

I contemplate changing from the flannel shirt to something cooler. [*An eskimo suit? -- Sars*] But before things get even hotter and heavier, they're interrupted by the buzzing of their CB radio {Not the fun kind of buzzing from an electronic device} announcing the imminent arrival of their other cousin Buffy, clad in impossibly short shorts {Those have got to chafe...friction in new places, and not the fun kind of friction, either}. She isn't there to show off her legs this time, but to tell them that there's an Evil Boss Wilkins-Hogg Plot afoot. What's White Suit up to this time? According to Buffy, the Dukes are about to be evicted from their farm. I laugh. {And I guffaw.} How many times has Boss Wilkins-Hogg tried to get their land and how many times has he succeeded? {I don't know...how many times?} Would have thought that he learns his lesson. {What would make you think he would learn anything? Ah, it's the itty bitty spark of optimism in you. That will get squelched soon enough.} Hmmm, may be he doesn't have an A.I. chip inside his head. Heh, don't knock this chip-in-head business, it's actually quite ... comforting. Hi, I'm macwatty, I have a mac chip inside my head. {Is this why I have trouble understanding what you're saying sometimes? Your brain is only compatible with only 5% of the world?} (watty: so if I say: "BLACK!!!" you won't know what I'm talking about? I think you do.)

We see that Buffy isn't the ditzy blonde that her attire, or the fact that she's chewing bubblegum, suggests, because first she notices that Willow's jeans zipper need adjustment; then she asks Tara why the lovecousins just don't come out and tell folks they're together. Tara shrugs and blames it on Willow {She could have blamed it on the rain...c'mon, y'all know that song... Blame it on the raaaaiiiinnn ...um, is this thing on?}. Everybody's got something to hide, but sometimes these so-called secrets when revealed turn out to be no big deal. The joke's on who now? Buffy and Tara share a moment before Willow returns with a well adjusted zipper. {Did Willow send it to 'Zipper Bootcamp' for an attitude adjustment? Were ammonia capsules involved? (That's for you, Sallypants. *smooch*)}

The cousins make their way back to the farm, but Tara makes sure Willow finishes what she abruptly halted before Buffy's arrival. Sex in cars is nothing new, but have you tried sex while driving the car? {Yes.} You need to work together in more ways than one. Don't try it kids! {Don't listen to watty, she knows not what she says.} You might like it too much! {Okay, listen to watty...this part is right.}

They make good time (they're fast? hee) and arrive at the farm just in time to see Uncle Giles confront his nemesis. {The Fashion Police?} The sight of Uncle Giles, in bib overalls and dirty red cap chewing on a piece of straw, staring down Wilkins-Hogg, in his white-on-white suit, makes me snigger very hard. {You're funny when you snigger.} Can you imagine Giles in an ancient tweed suit (elbow patches and all) and carrying a pipe fumbling around the library? Major snerk.

Anyway Wilkins-Hogg is spewing some lie about Giles growing pot on the farm. Come on, Boss, your excuses are getting weak. {But his teeth aren't...have you seen his incisors? Amazing!} You try to pin something on Giles every week, you think he's dumb enough to be as blatant as growing pot on his farm where it can be found easily? Giles dismisses him. {With a flick of his wrist and a flip of his hair...oh wait, we aren't doing the Giles' Angels recap, are we?} But before Boss leaves, he informs the Dukes that he's sending in the big guns ... in the form of a tax audit. Heh, an audit is enough to send shivers up most people's spine but the Dukes are unfazed. Does anything faze them? [*A phaser? No, don't bother, I'll eviscerate myself -- Sars*] Even when Giles notices the "69" painted in bold black letters at the side of the hot-rod, all he does is clean his glasses. He's more concerned that the lovecousins take a shipment of vegetative matter to Atlanta pronto than what they get up to recreationally. I like Giles. {Only because he shares your love of tea.} Here's Buffy. Psst, I know a secret about Buffy. She went to Stanford. It's a big secret! But it's no big fucking deal. And I don't know what my point is. {Your point is on your head.} (watty: har har, very funny. Not.) {It was kinda funny...okay, no it wasn't.} Anyway what does she do with that expensive Ivy League education? She waitresses. Though she'll say there is an ulterior motive because there's always an ulterior motive. {As opposed to some-other-terior motive.}

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She hangs out with her pretty waitress friend Cecile. {Woot! She's back again!} Okay, this is officially making me sit up and notice. Another Cecile? So far we had mail delivery Fraggle Cecile followed by Nurse Cecile. Something's up. {Your IQ? Nah.} Cecile helpfully gives Buffy the latest gossip that a new blonde has wheeled into town working for Boss Wilkins-Hogg and is all over Xander Strate. Now Buffy has been giving Deputy Xander the string-a-long for a while now, all in the name of getting information from him, of course. {Certainly not in the name of playing with his string.}

She runs out (the cameraman making sure we get an eyeful of the wiggling of the pretty ass in the tight shorts) and informs the lovecousins that the new enemy is anchored at Rhuebottom's. {Poor Rhue with the anchor in the bottom. That must be painful.} They have some CB-coded convo about pigeons and coops which I don't understand. Isn't it funny how special interest groups usually have their own language? Imagine a convo between a CB ham and a h4x0r {Do I have to?}, which part is understandable to the common person?

CB Daddy: breaker breaker one-nine
ircdude: /j0in #19 ?u@
CB Daddy: double nickeling behind a four wheeler, one more minute and he's in a meatwagon
ircdude: XD ... h8 n00bies
CB Daddy: need yer help to get an equalizer fixed up, don't want another Christmas card from Smokey Bear, nodamene?
ircdude: np, ez job lol
CB Daddy: copy that. I'll slip you some shiny on the rebound
ircdude: kewl, dl-ing pr0n = boring, nsfw sux
CB Daddy: oh dude, no beaver action?
ircdude: k gtg, ttyl
CB Daddy: roger, catch ya on the flip-flop. Out

{I have to tell you that this entire exchange frightens me. I'm afraid. Very afraid.}

Her next destination is the sheriff's office, where she lays it on very thickly for Deputy Xander. {Um what is she laying on thickly? Chocolate syrup? Strawberry pudding?} The drool from Deputy Xander is enough to necessitate breaking out the mop and bucket. Buffy drawls and draws the information from Xander with a smoothness that is rivaled only by the likes of Henry Gondorf or Danny Ocean. {} Xander has no clue he's getting pumped (heh, I said "pumped," did anyone go to a scary visual place?). {Do you have an enema fetish? And...I have no idea what that means.}

Meanwhile, back from their herb run to Atlanta, the lovecousins are at Cooter's garage, having their hot-rod looked at. {Is their 'hot-rod' detachable?} (watty: I'm surprised you didn't ask what color. Oh wait, it's orange. [/straight face]) Cooter makes a several innuendo-laden cracks which get Willow's tail feathers all ruffled up. {I'll bet Tara loves ruffling Willow's tail...feathers.} Cooter asks how they like driving stick and Tara aptly points out that she feels awkward doing it. Snerk.

Willow ignores Cooter's sally and gets ready to infiltrate Rhuebottom's through the secret trap door in Cooter's garage. {Really glad she isn't infiltrating Rhue's bottom.} Did you know that all secret passages in Hazzard County lead to Cooter's garage?

They discover that someone has indeed set up shop in Rhuebottom's bottom, er, basement. There are forms in all colors but they say one thing ... that the Dukes owe Uncle Sam some serious tax money. Now if Willow and Tara were ordinary country folks, they'd be scared shitless (or in their case, shirtless or shortless); but they're cleverer than they appear to be. {What are you saying about the way society perceives women in short shorts and skimpy tank tops?} May be they went to an expensive Ivy League college too. {Or they just know how to keep the fox out of the hen-house. Damned foxes.}

Turns out that good old Uncle Giles has a secret too. {He has a tattoo of Bettie Page on his back?} His name isn't Jesse Giles Duke. {Is that all?} Tara gets the dirt from Willow using some old-fashioned, irresistible tongue-down-throat torture technique. Heh, Rupert. Uncle Giles is called Rupert. Now can you imagine the tweed suit and the pipe? {Nope...just the tea and crumpets.}

But before they can ruminate on Uncle Giles' alter ego as a high school librarian, the lovecousins are interrupted by the arrival of The Tax Inspector. Gasp. Have you heard the one about the tax inspector who needed a heart transplant? The surgeon sent his O.R. nurse to the garden to look for a similar sized stone. *waits for response* Not funny? You expect tax inspector jokes to be funny? You pay too many taxes. {No shit, Sherlock, erm, watson, uh, nevermind.}

The lovecousins manage to convince the tax inspector that the forms are forgeries on the basis that they don't show Uncle Giles' real name. See how having secrets sometimes help? Hmmm. We're not teaching the kids good lessons here. {Fortunately, this is not a kids' show! Of course, that didn't stop us with Fraggle Rock.}

The tax inspector, aka Anya Jenkins, is outraged at the temerity of Boss Wilkins-Hogg, he who dares to con the IRS. {Did Anya really get outraged at his 'temerity'? Or was she pissed off that he had the balls to try it?} Heinous! They agree to play Boss at own game. I hope it doesn't come back and bite them on the ass, entrapment doesn't always work out. {But they might like the bite in the ass all the same...just depends on who is doing the biting.}

We're at Cooter's garage. {**looks around** We are?} The lovecousins walk in on Cooter and Buffy practising the same old-fashioned, irresistible tongue-down-throat torture technique that Tara was using on Willow. Okay, so here's another couple of people who don't exactly drive stick. Tara asks Buffy the same question Buffy asked her earlier, about being open with her love life. Buffy shrugs and blames it on Xander. {Poor Xander...they blame everything on the guy with his IQ in his schlong. Hey, at least it wasn't another chorus of 'Blame it on the Rain.'} (watty: okay, I had to look up schlong. Carleen! You're baaaaaad!)

Now we come to the car chase part of the episode where Snyder tries to catch Willow but he doesn't have the driving skills or the tune-up. I love this part. Buckle your seatbelts children. Here we go. Yee-haw!

Sigh. You know what, it's no use recapping a car chase, and I've tried. "Hot-rod speeds down road, cruiser on its tail. Hot-rod screeches round a corner, cruiser follows but takes the corner a little wide and smoke burns from its tires. Hot-rod accelerates up a dirt-ramp, flies through the air with the grace of an orange albatross and lands perfectly on the other side of the creek; cruiser tries the same stunt but ends up face down on the creekbed."

No. Doesn't really work. Need visuals. Use your imagination.

{Oh! Let me try!....}

Final confrontation.

The lovecousins drive up to the farm, this time at a more normal speed. They greet Giles, Deputy Xander and Inspector Anya who are enjoying a cool lemonade at the porch.

Boss Wilkins-Hogg and Snake Snyder pull up in their respective vehicles. Shortly after, the state police and the feds show up. Boss Wilkins-Hogg is smug. He's thinking to himself, finally I have your farm, Jesse Giles. {Hey! Give him credit for thinking at all.}

Not so fast, Boss.

Inspector Anya gives the feds evidence that Boss and Snake forged tax documents. The IRS cares about how slobs of cash is coming its way, it doesn't accept dirty slobs. Gasp. The IRS cares. The IRS works in mysterious ways. [*Repeat after me, "ohhhhmmmm" - Sars*]

Boss struggles as the feds cuff him. {Are they fuzzy cuffs? Leopard fur? Do they go with his white suit?} (watty: I couldn't resist.) In desperation he blurts out that the Dukes grow pot on their farm.

Oh no! Another secret is revealed. {Okay, really...Giles using wacky weed? Isn't he mellow enough?} The Dukes are in collusion with none other than Jenny Calendar, who has the state monopoly on new age herbs, oils and candles.

Is that it?

See? Secrets that we think are secrets are never any biggie. {Unless the secret is about Sally's...oh wait...promised not to tell. My bad.}

And having learnt their lesson, Willow tells the folks about her love for Tara. I'd stifle a yawn if those two didn't look so darn cute together. <*A yawn? How dare you fall asleep at the climax? And I'm betting that's not the first time those words have been said to you, watty -- SallyMcFine*> (watty: oh Sally, I wish I have more than a passing acquaintance with the concep of 'climax.') Faith and Buffy tell all too and that gets a slightly more surprised response. {Probably everyone is surprised that it took them this long to say anything at all...or it was relief that there would be no shotgun weddings for the Dukes.}

Giles? He's with Aunt Bea. Hee. {At least he's not with Barney Fife...or Opie.}

Producer: SallyMcFine.

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