Return to Queen of Thieves Chapter Four

Queen of Thieves

Author: Robotguru
Rating: PG
Feedback: Please leave feedback on the Queen of Thieves thread on the Kitten Board.
Disclaimer: These characters are trademarks of Joss, ME, etc, I am not making money so please don't sue.
Note: Thoughts in < >.

"I thought you said this lamp changed a woman's life, sounds to me like it ended one."

"It would seem that way, but you must remember that not everything is as it seems. Ethan stood outside the cave, ready to inspect his prize..."

Ethan stood in the sand, a look of exultation on his face. "After all this time Amy, we finally have it, the lamp." Ethan searches in his pocket, "I was sure I put it here, must be in the other pocket." Ethan searches all his pockets and comes out empty, "No, it can't be, nooooooo!"

On the rocky floor of the cave, there is a groan. Kneeling over a fallen Willow, Makyrah rubs the back of her head, "Who put that flaming wall there?" She wonders as she feels a large bump, "Meh, I'll heal," Makyrah outs a hand on Willow's shoulder as Miss Kitty anxiously meows.

Makyrah breathes a sigh of relief as Willow begins to stir. Willow opens her eyes and frowns, "What hit me?"

Makyrah smiles, seeing that Willow looks to be on one piece, "You mean what did you hit, that poor wall got quite a clobbering."

Willow giggles as she hears this and raises an eyebrow, "I beat the wall up? How come my head is killing me then?" Willow's smile disappears as she realises where she is, "I'm sorry Makyrah, I dragged you into this."

"Dragged?" Makyrah's voice has an odd mix of sympathy and scorn, "If you think I was gonna let you come here all on your lonesome you have another thing coming," Makyrah helps Willow to her feet, "Besides, not all is lost."

"Not all is lost huh? We're all hurt, I dragged us down here where we're even worse off than the dungeon and that guy has the lamp..."

Makyrah's hand goes into her pocket, "You mean this thing that Miss Kitty handed... erm... tailed to me? I think he's missing it."

Willow looks at both Makyrah and Miss Kitty and then grins, "And people call me a thief. Lets have a look at it." Makyrah hands the lamp over and Willow casts a critical eye over it, "Hmm, looks a little beat up, dusty too. It says something here though..." Willow rubs her sleeve over the lamp and suddenly drops it as smoke pours from the tip.

Smoke and bright light fills Willow's vision for a moment and there is a loud "bang". The smoke starts to take form as Willow's vision clears. Slowly, the shape of a woman becomes visible but from where the legs would be, the smoke doesn't shape itself but stays in the lamp. When the smoke solidifies, Willow sees a young looking woman with short blonde hair looking back at her. The woman is dressed in a red croptop, a translucent red veil covers what her see of her stomach and upper legs before cutting off like the bottom half of her body. Shackles surround the woman's wrists.

The woman stretches her back and Willow hears a loud crack, she winces thinking that the young woman may have snapped her own spine. Suddenly the woman speaks, "Aaaah that feels better, ten K in that thing really does your back no favours," the blonde looks across at Willow, "Hi, I'm the genie of that lamp you just dropped on the floor, do be careful with my home please."

Willow has a look of confusion on her face, "Genie?"

"Yeah, you never seen one before? No? You've missed out girl. Don't call me genie though, I hate that, sounds so sub, you can call me Anya."

Willow still looks confused, "Erm... ok." Willow turns to Makyrah and whispers, "Did I hit my head harder than I thought?"

Makyrah whispers back, "If you did, I did too, I can see her as well."

"What does a genie do anyway?"

"Hey! I'm not a genie, I'm Anya, kindly remember that. As for what I do... well master... erm... mistress, that's entirely up to you, you do get three wishes after all... oh... ix-nay on the whole wishing for more wishes gig... three is all you get, three, three and only three. Not three plus three, not three squared nor three cubed, just three." Anya looks at Willow for a moment, "Hmm, you're smaller than my last master, big hulking guy he was, either that or I'm getting bigger. Anyway, enough about me, what about you? What's your name?"


"Cool name, hmm, can I call you Will? Or how about Low? Illow? Nah. So, what do you want."

Willow still looks sceptical, "You're saying you can do anything right?"

Anya is about to speak, then pauses, "Well, almost, there are a few rules I need to tell you straight off. Rule numero uno, that's rule number one if you didn't know, I'm not allowed to kill people," a dagger suddenly sticks out of her chest with blood around it before disappearing, "So don't ask," the dagger disappears, "I used to be able to, I was a vengeance demon... then the author decided to make me a genie..."

Willow and Makyrah share a confused look and Makyrah asks, "The author?"

"Yeah, that ugly guy in the corner," Anya points across and Willow and Makyrah see a man with black hair sat behind a desk typing on... a laptop? Noticing that everyone is staring at him, he gives a wave. Anya thinks for a moment as if something had just occurred to her, "Hey, I am getting paid for this gig right? In money?"

The author just keeps typing while saying, "How about I don't have you ravaged by ravenous bunnies in the next chapter and we call it quits?"

Anya looks shocked, "BUNNIES?!?" A look of defeat hits Anya's face, "Ok, ok already!" Anya mutters to herself, "Man... you'd think he'd pay me for manual labour."

"I heard that."

"Yeah..." Anya pouts, "Just because Mr. Author over there is omnipresent and all powerful he thinks he can abuse me."

"The author raises an eyebrow, "Bunnies," he concludes.

Anya just looks at him in a scared and abused way before looking back at the gaping Willow and Makyrah. "What, you've never seen a story character argue with the author before? Now... where was I? Ah yes, rule number two, I can't make people fall in love," Anya pinches Willow's cheek (on her face guttarbrains... not... well you know) "Aw you little snuckem. And that leads to rule three, I can't raise people from the dead, it aint nice, they come back all... ew... I just don't like doing it! So no asking ok? Yeah? Thanks."

Willow looks at Anya still looking rather confused, "Man, I must have concussion or something cos this is one weird dream."

Anya looks a little put out, "Ok, you don't believe me... lets see what we can do about that..."

Suddenly a ring of fire surrounds Willow and she hears Anya's voice singing.

"So you're in a hotspot, no way to escape?
A situation so tricky it makes Houdini gape.
Just give the lamp a rub and see what I can do
Cos I live to serve and I serve you."

The fire dissipates and Anya is replaced by men with swords.

"Surrounded by thieves? Just see how I handle this
The ol' one-two... three four five and six."

She boxes the men away.

"Or do you need gold? Everyone could do with some
Fine food and a romantic ride in the sun
Come, just wish it and make it explicit
And see what luck comes to visit."

Willow is surrounded by gold, both she and Makyrah gape, Miss Kitty chases a big ol ball of twine, suddenly, it disappears. Anya grabs a top hat and twirls it on her arm.

"I bet a gal like you has many friends in her life.
But do any match me do they live to the hype?
Can they do this? Can they do that?
Can they pull this critter out a hat?"

Anya continues to twirl her hat before duplicating it into three balls of fire and juggling them. The fire merges to become one hat again and Anya pulls out... a bunny. There is a classic moment where they both look at each other wide eyed then Anya screams and drops it. She looks over at the author who just smirks. Anya belts out...

"Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes!
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
And what's with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies!" (You might recognise this from Once more with Feeling.)

Willow and Makyrah now look even more confused, Anya breathes deeply, "Sorry... evil author! Nearly as evil as those white furballs!"

Makyrah looks down at the bunny, "Looks kinda cute."

Anya stares at her goggle eyed, "Whatever... just keep it away from me, anyway... seeing as I got stopped midsong... I guess here's the bit where you ask for your first wish... come on, give it a try."

Willow looks at Makyrah who moves her head up, indicating "out of here," Willow gives her a sly wink. "Hmm, I don't know Makyrah, I mean, limitations on her powers? Rules? Some all powerful. Why... I bet she couldn't even get us out of here... lets find our own way out."

Suddenly a large foot appears in front of Willow (yes... Anya grew a lower body during her time out the lamp), "WHAT! You telling me that you rubbed my lamp, you woke me up, you disturbed my sleep, you got me scared as hell when author guy wrote in a bunny and NOW you don't want your wishes? Nuh uh! Not this genie! You're getting your wishes so SIT DOWN!!!"

Maryrah and Willow fall back onto Carpet, Miss Kitty jumps on. Makyrah leans over to Willow and mutters "Wow... PMS much."

Anya floats onto Carpet, not forgetting her lamp, and suddenly she looks like an air stewardess. "If we should meet unfortunate circumstances, please note that the emergency exits are... pretty much anywhere... Now leeeeeeeeets get OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Carpet begins a spiral and then points straight up. A hole explodes in the ceiling and Carpet zooms out of it.

Continue to Queen of Thieves Chapter Six

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