Return to MacBuff, Act One, Scene One


Author: Sweetwitchbitch2003
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Buffy is property of Mr Whedon and his ickle minions. Wolfram and Hart needn't bother suing 'cause I don't make (or have) any money (yes, I'm still poor. Please send me feedback, it doesn't feed me but at least it stops the craving).

A camp.


Gungho: Dog, I can't believe it! I'm King! And hey, do I look tight in this crown or what? How unlikely is this?

Mallcat: Pretty unlikely, Dad. But she that hath made us is of crazy origination and fevered imagination.

Gungho: Don't you be rhyming on me, son.

Mallcat: Sorry, Dad. I'm just saying, enjoy it while you can. You'll probably get killed off in the second act anyway.

Gungho: Hey, that bleeding guy over there;
Can tell us of this great revolt
Which goes on outside our city walls
To gain rebel control over Scotland.
Bring him here!

[Mallcat and Lord Blueberry drag the Captain over. Needless to say, he's in a pretty bad state and bleeds all over the royal carpet.]

Gungho: Sup, man?

Mallcat: This is the sergeant,
Who, like a good Initiative soldier, fought
'Gainst my captivity. Hail, brave friend!
Say to the king the knowledge of the demon battle
As thou didst leave it.

Captain: I could not say,
Upon this day
Whom to be worthier of the fray.

Gungho (irritated): No more rhyming, by royal decree! And you know you don't wanna be messin' with the king, y'all.

Captain: Yes sir!
Fortune on his damned quarrel smiling,
Showed like a robot's whore: but all's too weak;
For brave MacBuff (well she deserves that name)
Disdaining Fortune, with her brandished stake,
Which dusted vamps with dry execution,
Like Valour's minion carvéd out his passage,
Till she faced the demon beast
Which ne'er bantered amusingly, or threatened world domination
And she beat him to death with a handbag
And fixed his head upon our battlements.
How I wish I had that lady's love for my own!

Gungho: Shut up, soldier-boy.

Captain: Yes sir.
Although I must point out that I'm kinda bleeding to death here;
The wisdom of my king shall prevail
Over my own gut judgement.

Gungho: This MacBuff sounds like a real pain in the ass.

Blueberry: Forgive me, my liege, but I think she's on our side.

Gungho: Oh. Well in that case it's alright then.

Captain: Your Majesty? I'm feeling pretty faint, actually.

Gungho: Quit your whining, man. You ain't got nothin' but a little scratch. And it ain't a good idea to die all over my royal carpet.

Captain (glances at his gash): Gosh, is that... blood?

[Captain faints. Lord Blueberry kicks him, just to make sure.]

Blueberry: Bloody wuss has fainted.

Gungho: Medic!

[Little Oompa-Loompa-looking Attendants come in and drag the Captain offstage in a completely uncaring manner]

Gungho: Hey, who's that coming?

Mallcat: The worthy thane of Kross.

Blueberry: What a haste looks through his eyes! So should he look
That seems to speak things strange.
Plus you know, after living in a basement,
He's really quite insane.

[Enter KROSS and Silent Angus.]

Kross (sarcastically): God save the bloody king.

Gungho: Whence cam'st thou, worthy thane?

Kross: From sodding Fife, where'd you think?
Where the Norweyan banners flout the sky,
And fan our people cold.
Norway himself, with terrible numbers
Assisted by that most disloyal traitor
The thane of Sunnydale, began a dismal conflict
Till that Bellona's bridegroom, lapped in proof,
Confronted him with comparisons of TV programmes,
Point against point, character 'gainst character,
Curbing his lazy spirit: and, to conclude,
The victory fell on us.

Gungho: Aww, I love happy endings.

Kross: Now Sven, Norway's king, craves American sit-coms
But we won't give him any
Until he bribes us with ten thousand dollars
To be used for resurrecting the old sausage factory.

Gungho: No more shall that thane of Sunnydale deceive,
Our bosom interest: go pronounce his present death,
And with his former title greet MacBuff.

Kross: Oh, I'm your sodding messenger boy now, am I?

Gungho: Just do it! I don't got time for these bitchin' matches. I gotta be all kingly and stuff.

Kross: I'll see it done.

[Kross leaves with Silent Angus.]

Gungho: What he hath lost, noble MacBuff hath won.

Continue to MacBuff, Act One, Scene Three

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