Return to UberSmut Chapter Nine


Author: SallyMcFine
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and am not profiting from this story, except for spiritually, of course.
Thanks: Corey Cook from Down the Rabbit-Hole for the title graphic. Thanks to Corey Cook for Space 1999 and to gooberkork for Closer and Far Away. Thanks beyond my ability to express to Mrs. McFine, aka Ye Olde Beta, for encouragement, help with the beta-testing, and not letting me call something finished that was not finished. Thanks, honey.

"Were we supposed to pick up Xander?" Tara asked as she pulled the car into the parking spot.

"No," Willow replied. "Anya was picking him up and they're meeting us there."

Tara glanced at her watch as she put the car in park. "They're probably already there - we're about five minutes late."

Everyone was indeed already in the restaurant, and Willow and Tara joined them at the large table. Anya had saved them two seats to her left, and Tara sat gingerly on the seat next to her. Willow settled carefully into her seat, wincing as she scooted her chair forward.

"We just ordered drinks," Anya said. "I got a margarita, but the rest of the children ordered sodas."

"I think I'd like some herbal tea, if they have it," said Tara. "Something soothing."

Willow nodded and motioned to the waitress to put in her and Tara's drink orders.

When she had finished, Anya addressed them both.

"Thank you SO much for organizing that smut tribute," she said. "It's so touching, I really can't begin to say."

"We're glad you like it, An."

"And it's the gift that keeps on giving," Anya said. She leaned over conspiratorially and continued in a whisper.

"Sometimes Xander and I kind of 'beta-test' the smut in fics. To keep things fresh. So now we have a whole lot of new material! You two should give it a try sometime." Anya grinned and leaned back.

Tara smiled weakly. "That's, uh...a great idea, Anya. Maybe we'll try it."

Willow crossed her legs carefully and cleared her throat. "Totally."

Anya grinned at them both before returning her attention to the menu.

Blessed Be

Joined: 16 September 2003
Posts: 1,130
Location: Amazon embrace
Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:07am
Post Subject: New Thread: UberSmut

happy birthday, aphrodite!
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Joined: 18 March 2005
Posts: 1,997
Location: Wiccan lap
Post subject: UberSmut

yes, Happy Birthday!
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Blessed Be

Joined: 16 September 2003
Posts: 1,131
Location: Amazon embrace
Post subject: UberSmut

without further ado, we give you your birthday present - a collaborative effort of many different authors on the Warrior Board, a tribute to your body of work.
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Joined: 18 March 2005
Posts: 1,998
Location: Wiccan lap
Post subject: UberSmut

you're the uberly smuttiest of us all!
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by gabbywhipped

Xena paused to survey her handiwork, and reached down to loosen the scarf that secured Gabrielle's right hand to the headboard.

"Do you remember the safe word?" she asked the blindfolded blonde.

"Yes," replied Gabrielle. "It's 'Aphrodite.'"

"Very good," Xena purred. "Your mouth is going to be...occupied during this next bit, so you won't be able to say the safe word if you need to. So I loosened the scarf on your right hand. If you can't breath or if you want to stop, just tap me."

"Okay," Gabrielle replied. Even blindfolded, her expression was of trust and adoration, and a lot of lust as she anticipated what was to come.

Xena smiled and planted a kiss on her delectable lips, then moved to straddle Gabrielle's face.

by MarySue

Friar Aphrodite scurried along the forest path, adjusting her habit and hastily retying the rope that kept it closed as she ran. She had left Sheriff Ares asleep by the side of the road, a victim of too much wine before and during her...ministrations. His horse must be halfway back to the castle by now, if she was any judge - the slap on the rump she had given it had made it leave at a gallop. With any luck, the castle would send out a rescue party, leaving their prisoner unprotected. She just hoped that he was truly alone and that she had enough time to reach camp before anyone else.

She sprinted around a bend in the path and saw the familiar pattern of rocks on the right. To the casual observer they looked like a random assortment, but Friar Aphrodite knew it meant she was almost there. She stopped running and pulled up short, catching her breath. With her hands around her mouth, she let loose the cry of a mourning dove.

The sentry up in the tree waved her on, and she ran through the trees, skipping nimbly over the underbrush, roots, and stray rocks that littered the Sherwood forest floor. Finally she burst into a clearing which held a fire pit in the middle. Xena Hood squatted by the fire, poking listlessly at a spitted rabbit that sizzled and popped above the flames. Though Friar Aphrodite salivated at the savory scent, Xena Hood seemed unaffected.

Her depression was understandable - after all, it had been two weeks now that Sheriff Ares had captured Maid Gabrielle, and so far the band of brigands had been unable to penetrate the castle's defenses to rescue their leader's partner. But Aphrodite knew that this was their chance - with the Sheriff out of commission, and more importantly, out of Nottingham Castle. His men weren't disciplined by any means, and his absence meant they would be uncertain and slow to react - especially if skilled raiders mounted a surprise attack.

"Xena Hood!" Friar Aphrodite called, bending over with her hands on her thighs as she caught her breath. "Sheriff...unconscious...forest path."

Xena Hood looked up, a gleam of life returning to her ice blue eyes. "Knocked him out with your staff, did you? Good job, Friar!" She leapt to her feet and snatched up her bow that lay propped up against a tree.

Friar Aphrodite just nodded. Xena Hood didn't need to know all the details, after all. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

by gooberkork

"Hey Baby," Xena picked up the phone before it got to the second ring.

"You've been sitting next to the phone again?" Gabrielle asked.

"Actually I'm in bed, and yeah I have the phone next to me," Xena said, stretching out more comfortably on the bedsheets.

"You're sleeping with the phone? Should I be jealous?"

"You're crazy to be jealous of a piece of electronic equipment."

"I'm surrounded by electronics all day, I'm so sick of them. The producer is trying to add what he says is an edge to our music, and it's not our style at all. I'm constantly arguing with him. Aphrodite has her hands full trying to keep us apart."

"Aphrodite brought us together, I won't say a bad word against her."

"For the part where she played Cupid I'll be eternally grateful. I just wish she can be less of a businesswoman and go back to her musical roots. I wish you were here."

"I wish I were there too, darling. Are you home?

Gabrielle laughed with false cheerfulness. "I'm at the studio. Again. The studio is home."

"My poor baby. What can I do to make up for it?"

Gabrielle looked round the small sound-proof room that she had appropriated as 'her' rest area.

"I need you to think very hard about how much you're missing me," she said softly.

"I don't need to think that hard, can't you tell how much I miss you?" Xena replied.

"I know," Gabrielle said.

"Do you remember ..."

"... yeah."
They enjoyed a moment of silence. Words were not needed to convey how close they felt, yet so far apart. It was as if they were trying to bridge the physical distance spiritually.

"Gabby," Xena whispered.

"Xe- oh god! I need you right here!" The pain that Gabrielle felt as she thought about her lover was almost physical.

Xena made a decision. She plugged in the headset of her phone and shifted a little under the bedsheets.

"I want to give you something, Baby," she said sultrily. She brought the phone close to her chest. "The phone is over my heart, can you hear it beat for you? Cry out for you?"

Gabrielle couldn't actually hear the sound of Xena's heartbeat, but she thought she felt something. "Yes."

Xena ran the phone across the smooth skin of her stomach. "I'm naked right now, can you feel the heat of my skin? Hot for you?"

Gabrielle's breath hitched. Her hands unconsciously reached inside her t-shirt and traced a path mirroring Xena's down her body. "Oh yes."

Xena put the phone on the pillow and cupped both hands on her breasts. "I am holding my breasts in my hands, can you feel their heaviness? How they ache for your touch?"

Gabrielle pulled her own t-shirt off and did the same. Her own breasts were smaller, but at that moment she felt the larger and more rounded versions of her lover's. "Yes, I feel them."

Xena's thumb was circling around her hardened nipples. "I am playing with my tits, can you feel how hard they are? Needing you?"

Gabrielle looked down at her own pink nipples and smiled at how proud and erect they were, she could feel Xena's on her, they were face-to-face, body-to-body, so close that they couldn't even slip a hand between them. "I can feel you pinching me."

Xena made sure her nipples stayed pebbled, then reached down to her sex. "I move straight down to where you love to touch me most. Can you feel how wet I am? How my love spills out for you?"

Gabrielle unzipped her jeans and reached inside her panties. She could smell her arousal and gave a small gasp as she eased open her folds and felt the wetness. "Me too. I'm so wet."

Xena held her thumb firmly on her sensitive clit, and her middle finger inside her. "You're inside me."

"I am. You are too. Inside me," Gabrielle repeated.

No more words as they stroked and brushed and throbbed and just felt as they brought the other to a shuddering climax.

"Gabby," Xena cried out.

"Xena! Right here," was Gabrielle's echo.

Miles and timezones didn't matter at that moment. Against all probability they found each other. That was what mattered.

by CaptainMurphy

"Ensign Gabrielle! In my ready room." Captain Xena's voice was stern and left no room for delay.

Gabrielle gulped as she turned over the Ops console to the beta shift officer. The captain's tone left no doubt what she was about.

The pilot, Lieutenant Joxer, glanced up at the ensign sympathetically. The captain was way too hard on Gabrielle, in his opinion. She was a conscientious and responsible officer, and yet the captain seemed to pick on her mercilessly, often calling her into the ready room to chastise her for some imagined transgression or other. Many was the time that he saw Gabrielle leaving the captain's office flushed and discombobulated, and he knew that whatever happened in that ready room, he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy.

The door to the ready room swished closed behind Ensign Gabrielle. She stood, rigid.

Captain Xena sat behind her desk. She didn't look up, instead giving the PADD on her desk her undivided attention. The silence drew out like a blade as Gabrielle fought the urge to shift from one foot to the other. Instead, she stood perfectly still, staring as she waited for the Captain to acknowledge her.

Xena was in no hurry - she enjoyed the sense of power that came from simply making Gabrielle wait. Many other starship captains imagined that power was in giving orders and having them obeyed, but Xena knew differently. Power was not just in having people obey you, but in their controlling themselves according to your unspoken dictates.

Finally she put down the PADD and looked up. Gabrielle's eyes didn't flicker at the motion, to her credit. She was still ramrod straight, arms at her sides. Only the even rise and fall of her chest beneath her uniform gave a hint that she was human and not a statue.

"At ease, Ensign," Captain Xena said.

Gabrielle relaxed imperceptibly, taking a step to the side and clasping her hands behind her back.

"At a little more ease than that," Xena drawled, leaning back in her chair.

Gabrielle's mouth twitched, whether in annoyance or a smile it was hard to say.

"You want to be all official and keep me waiting for minutes, then parade rest is as much ease as you get," she replied. "Captain," she added, waiting just long enough so that her tone was insolent.

Xena's mouth quirked in amusement. One thing the ensign had was spunk, that was certain.

"How on earth can I make it up to you?" the captain said, standing up and walking over to the blonde. She ran a hand along Gabrielle's hip, caressing the synthethic material that covered the shapely swell.

Gabrielle felt her resolve begin to crumble as the captain's proximity to her provoked a visceral response. She knew it was wrong to be carrying on a clandestine affair with her commanding officer - she knew it. Was it the forbidden nature of it all that made it so exciting? Or was it something more?

For all she knew, it truly was a fling for Xena. They never shared emotional confidences; it was all about a physical relationship for the captain. Or so it had seemed for the three weeks they had been carrying on. And it wasn't as if the Captain of a starship could openly date any of her officers - or any crew member on the ship, really, if command order was to be maintained. It was wrong.

But she couldn't resist Captain Xena of the U.S.S. Sappho - she had known that from the first moment she had set foot on the bridge and seen the tall, dark captain with the arresting blue eyes. She knew her life and her career would be forever changed. And as much as she had enjoyed the past three weeks, she didn't want to just keep giving her body to the captain. She wanted more - to give more, and to get more in return. And if she couldn't have more, then she didn't want anything at all. Was this the right time to bring it up?

"Captain," she said, a pleading note in her voice.

"Call me Xena," the captain said, moving her hand around to cup her ass.

Gabrielle took a shuddering breath and steeled her resolve.

"No," she said, taking a step back. "Captain. We need to talk."

by Torchslipper

"Out of the way, Princess," said Xena Gilly, shouldering aside the blonde as she stomped across the school commons. The recent rain in the area had soaked the courtyard at Miss Priddy's School and Horse Camp for Girls, and Xena's combat boots splashed muddy water every which way as she heedlessly walked through the puddles.

"Hey! Watch it, Gillyweed," said Gabrielle Ainsworth-Eggleston as she stumbled backward. She shot a dirty look at the taller, brooding girl.

"What did you call me?" said Xena, slowly turning around with a dangerous look in her eye.

Gabrielle flinched a bit, but held her ground. "I call a fig a fig, a spade a spade."

"Take it back," Xena said in a low voice, swaggering forward until she was standing completely in Gabrielle's personal space. She pointed a finger in the blonde's face. "I mean it."

"Nobody talks to me like that," Gabrielle said, slapping aside the offending finger. "I'm Gabrielle Ainsworth-Eggleston."

Xena shoved the girl, and this time Gabrielle did fall, plopping down heavily on her butt on the soaked ground with an audible squelch. "Now you're Gabrielle Ainsworth-Eggleston-In-the-Mud. Take that title back to your country manor and sit on it."

Gabrielle's upbringing had been soft and privileged, but she had a fire all her own. She jumped to her feet, flung down her books, and said "You're going to regret that." Without further preamble she launched her full weight at Xena, tackling the girl for all the world like a member of the England Rugby.

Normally Xena would have shrugged off such an attack, but she hadn't really expected Gabrielle to fight back. The force of the blonde's full weight was upon her, and she toppled backwards, landing on her back in the mud with a very angry blonde viscount's daughter full on top of her. It was surprise, and something else - maybe the way the viscount's daughter's lithe body felt pressed against hers, or the sea-green eyes that locked with her own, or the way her blonde hair smelled of apples and honeysuckle, that kept Xena from reacting immediately.

For her part, Gabrielle seemed surprised that her sally had worked, and didn't quite know what to do next. This was her first fight, after all, unless you counted pillow fights with the Earl of Kent's daughter during childhood sleepovers. As Xena finally recovered herself, she used her legs as leverage to flip them over, reversing their positions so she was pinning Gabrielle to the ground.

"Gerroff me, you great oaf!" Gabrielle cried, scrabbling for a handhold. Her questing fingers landed in Xena's long dark hair, and she grabbed it and pulled.

"Bloody hell!" Xena cried, retaliating by pulling Gabrielle's own hair, eliciting an outraged squeal from the blonde. The two continued to tussle, rolling around in the mud as students gathered around in a ring, chanting "Fight! Fight!"

"All right, girls, break it up," came a new voice. Xena and Gabrielle let go of each other and stared up into the disapproving gaze of the buxom headmistress, Aphrodite Priddy.

by pr0n_queen

Gabrielle sat in her apartment, feeling a little depressed. Another Friday night, another night spent alone. She felt so blue that she couldn't even force herself to get up and make dinner. And that was seriously depressed, because the blonde loved to cook and eat. But what was the point, when she was all alone?

And yet her tummy was growling, because she usually never missed a meal. Her appetite didn't care that she was depressed. With a sigh, she got up from the couch to see if anything in the fridge looked appetizing. She sighed as she opened the door, already knowing that she didn't have many options, unless she wanted to have a condiment-only dinner.

"Ugh!" she said to the empty kitchen, closing the fridge door.

Just as the door swung closed, the doorbell rang.

Who on earth could that be?

Gabrielle opened the door. On the front step stood a tall woman wearing a red shirt and an ill-fitting baseball cap that she had turned around and wore backwards. She held an insulated bag in front of her.


Gabrielle was flustered - not only by the unexpected visitor, but because she was wearing a skimpy negligee and had forgotten to grab a robe before opening the door. The south Florida nights were sultry, and even with the air conditioner running full blast she preferred to wear as little as possible at home. Not to mention that she hadn't ordered a pizza, but was so hungry she was tempted to claim she had.

And the woman holding the pizza. That was probably responsible for most of her flustered-ness, to tell the truth. Even if she hadn't been without sex for months, Gabrielle would have been attracted to this woman. Her toned muscles that were showcased by the rolled up sleeves of her T-shirt, her hipshot stance, her angular face.

And the lecherous look on her face as she took in Gabrielle's state of dishabille.

The silence stretched out. Finally the woman spoke.

"Do you want this, or not?"

Her tone made the question a double entendre, of that Gabrielle was sure.

"Please, come in," she said. "I just need to find my wallet."

by Corey Cook

Note: This is an excerpt, you can read Corey Cook's entire Space 1999 story by clicking here.

"Gabrielle," Xena's voice came from behind her, almost a whisper. Gabrielle released the belt holding her in place and turned, pushing herself gently away from the workstation. When she saw Xena she gaped, eyes and mouth wide open, and it was only the long hours of zero-gee training, drummed into her until they became instinct, that let her grab a hand-hold before she floated off and hit her head on the ceiling.

The Psychon was floating in the entrance to the central corridor, and stark naked. She had one hand on the doorway's guide-rail, to keep herself steady; her legs were slightly crossed, and her head was bowed, but she was watching Gabrielle stare at her, and made no move to cover herself.

"Xena," the redhead breathed. Xena was more than she had imagined - smooth and strong, firm muscles beneath flawless skin. The pointed stripes that framed her face were repeated down her body - a pair coming over her shoulders and curving inward to end beneath her collarbone, another pair beneath her arms that curved upward, as if to cup her breasts, a pair at her waist that didn't curve at all, but almost touched at the centre of her stomach where her belly button would be, if her smooth belly had sported one at all; finally, a pair coming over her hips that curved down, narrowing to points in the vee of her thighs, on either side of her hairless mound.

"Gabrielle," she said softly. "You bared yourself in front of me - to save me."

"You... don't have to-" Gabrielle began, but Xena quickly shook her head.

"That's not why I'm doing this," she said. "It's one reason why I want to, but only one. Because of who you are. Because of how I feel when you look at me. Because I think, I love you. Because... I want this..." She pushed away from the doorway and drifted to Gabrielle, gently nudging her back onto her workstation desk, parting her legs to straddle her as she made contact, then gripping the desk with her lower legs to keep them both in place.

"Xena..." Gabrielle tried again, finding words hard to come by.

"Do you want this?" Xena asked, taking Gabrielle's hands in hers. "I'm almost certain... I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't. Gabrielle? You only have to say yes."

"Oh, god yes."

Xena nodded, smiling, and brought Gabrielle's hands to her face. Slowly, gently, she stroked the redhead's fingertips along the stripes on her cheeks - her eyes closed, her breathing quickened, her hips moved of their own volition, pressing herself urgently into Gabrielle's stomach.

It was too much for Gabrielle to resist, and she had little intention of trying. Bringing Xena's lips to hers she kissed the alien woman, just as she'd imagined, feeling Xena explore her mouth even as she delved deep herself. Her tongue was hot, and carried her taste with it into Gabrielle's mouth. Almost... chocolate, she thought dreamily, revelling in the unexpected flavour, rich and addictive in her mouth. Xena's hands were at her collar, undoing her flight suit, and she helped quickly, pulling her arms free of the sleeves and undoing her bra as Xena pulled the suit down to her waist.

Read the entire Space 1999 story by Corey Cook here

by JillyMcFine

Gabrielle shifted the Miss Argo, the 2006 Dodge Challenger that she shared with Xena, from third to fourth gear. Normally this was a smooth operation, but today it was a little more difficult because she was sitting in the passenger seat. Xena was driving, and the only reason that she wasn't shifting the gears herself was because her right hand was firmly ensconced down the front of Gabrielle's shorts.

"Hang on, sweetheart," Xena said as she yanked the wheel to the left to avoid a pothole. She didn't miss it completely, though, and the Miss Argo bumped up and down.

"Ooooh!" Gabrielle moaned as the herky-jerky motion provided increased friction. "Do that again."

Xena grinned. "Aw, shucks, Gabs - I would, but I don't want to wear out her shocks."

Gabrielle gripped the arm rests, her breath coming in pants. "Sometimes...I love this car...more than...MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! AHHHHHHHH!!!! XENA!!!!!" she cried as her orgasm washed over her.

"Now that's just crazy talk," Xena drawled, removing her hand and leaning over to plant a kiss on Gabrielle's cheek. "Of course I love you more than some old bucket of bolts."

"Don't take that personally, girl," she whispered to the Miss Argo, furtively patting the dashboard.

Gabrielle collapsed backward in her seat, a fine sheen of sweat on her brow. She grinned at the brunette as she zipped up her pants.

"Good timing," Xena said. "We're home, and it looks like we've got company."

by UPS_goddess

Xena knocked on the front door, juggling the heavy box in her left hand and the clipboard in her right.

A blonde woman opened the front door, clad in a skimpy halter top and bikini bottoms. She looked Xena up and down, her gaze traveling slowly from her black sneakers and socks up her calves to her brown shorts and matching short-sleeved cargo shirt, lingering on her ample bosom and the up to her face, taking in the matching brown baseball cap.

"Oh, good! My anal beads have finally arrived," said the blonde.

Xena was flustered. "Can you sign for this package, miss?"

"Normally I take all my deliveries in the rear, but I can make an exception for you. And can I say, this isn't the only package I'd like to sign for," the woman answered, with a parting glance at Xena's crotch. She took the clipboard and scrawled her name on the slip of paper. She turned and walked back into the foyer. When Xena didn't follow, she looked back.

"Please bring that in here. I just did my nails, and I can't take the box from you."

Xena shifted from one foot to the other. The UPS rules were clear - carriers were not supposed to enter the houses of the package recipients. But there was something about this woman - her saucy round bottom that was barely covered by the bikini, perhaps - that she found fascinating. She took a step over the threshold, feeling like she was crossing more than just one line. And she was breaking a taboo - a UPS taboo, to be sure, but it felt like it wouldn't be the last one she would break today.

by Autolycus_fingersmith

Xena settled her toolbox on the linoleum and selected a crescent wrench. She peered under the kitchen sink while she asked the owner of the house a few preliminary questions.

"How long have your pipes been leaking?"

"For days and days," Gabrielle answered, trying not to stare too hard at the crack of the plumber's bottom that was exposed when she bent over under the sink.

"Well, let me take a look. My goodness, you're right - it's very wet down here. I'm going to have to find something to plug the hole. If this goes unfixed, there could be serious consequences." Xena's voice was muffled as she scooted inward and turned over, resting on her elbows. She banged the pipes in a few places with the wrench, trying to detect a clog.

"I know, I've been desperate to get a plumber in here forever. I tried fixing it myself, but it just didn't do the trick." Gabrielle licked her lips unconsciously as Xena's shirt rode up, exposing a strip of her toned, flat belly.

"Would you mind handing me a clamp? I found one of the holes, and I'm plugging it with my finger so it doesn't leak too much more."

Gabrielle selected a clamp from the toolbox and knelt beside Xena. The plumber's torso was mostly hidden inside the cabinet under the sink, and Gabrielle bent over awkwardly.

As she leaned over to hand her the clamp, she slipped on the wet floor and ended up on top of Xena. She was startled and mortified, but couldn't help noticing how nice the plumber's toned abs felt under her own.

"Ummm," said Xena from underneath the sink.

by amazon_hacker

"And then he dumped me."

"I'm so sorry," sympathized Autolycus, the Slayer's best friend. "You just have terrible luck with men lately."

"I wish..." Xena said, holding her head in her hands as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. "I wish...that I could find someone who's right for me."

In the wings, Aphrodite, a 1100-year-old vengeance demon, smiled a little smile as she heard the magic words 'I wish.' She knew exactly who would be right for Xena.

What this town needs is a blonde. And what Xena needs is a witch to help her with the slayage. And to help her with...other things, too. A sexually frustrated slayer means sloppy slayage.

"Better get over those internalized homophobia issues right now, Xena!" she chortled to herself as she wove the magic spell that would bring someone new - someone who was right for Xena - to town.

by 5by5


The booming voice seemed to split the heavens, and from above, a figure fell to earth. She landed heavily on the ground, slumped over and unmoving.

A blonde woman in a sheer pink negligee walked over and nudged the inert woman with the toe of her high heel.

"Like, oh my god! Get up already!"

Slowly, Callisto lifted her head. She looked ravaged - was it really her? Yes, though the vagaries of time had taken their toll, that unmistakable spark in her eye was still there. Her hair was different, though - no longer bleached blonde, it was jet black as if to signify some change from within.

Aphrodite looked at Callisto with a mixture of impatience and...admiration? "Are you like ready to help me heal this rift, or what?"

Callisto stood up, gingerly moving each limb to ensure that nothing was broken.

"I'm ready. Let's do this."

Aphrodite nodded. "Operation Reunite Xena and Gabrielle, take one!"

by SimplerSpoken

Gabrielle pursed her lips in frustration as she looked over at her roommate, who was deeply asleep. Xena fell asleep earlier and earlier this week, a consequence of her recuperation from cataract surgery. She was healing very well for someone her age - the doctor had said that he often wouldn't recommend surgery for anyone over seventy, but Xena's excellent health and fitness made her a candidate.

It was difficult, though. Gabrielle had hoped that this would be the week that she would finally get the courage up to tell Xena how she felt, but there was always too much social activity in the evening hours at the Golden Gate Years Nursing Home for her to feel comfortable bringing it up. Her precious private time with Xena after they retired to their shared room each night was much shorter than it used to be, also, as the painkillers tended to make Xena drop off to sleep within 5 minutes of her crawling into bed.

Gabrielle gazed up from her own bed at the fairy lights that Xena had asked an orderly to put up that morning.

"I know you get up to use the bathroom at least twice during the night, Gabs," Xena had said as the busty blonde orderly tacked up the lights on the ceiling. "These lights can help you get to the bathroom without stubbing your toe."

Gabrielle had been touched - not only by Xena's thoughtfulness, but that she had remembered how she liked fairy lights, way back when they were roommates in San Francisco in their twenties.

Her mind traveled back to that fateful day, so many decades ago in Golden Gate Park. She sighed at the memory. Fifty years later, would she ever find the courage to tell Xena that she was gay and that she loved her?

by cordy_princess

"Aphrodite's Charisma and Fashions, we help the helpless!" trilled the buxom blonde fashion store owner as the two women entered the front door. Ooh. And you're definitely helpless, she thought to herself as she saw the women who had entered.

"Hi, I'm looking for Aphrodite Carpenter?" said the scruffy brunette. Her hair was a fright, all split ends that were untouched by conditioner, and frightfully two-toned roots. Her hair had a greasy appearance. That could lead to a nasty dandruff problem later in life when the body tries to overcompensate, the owner noted.

"That's me," said Aphrodite. "Are you here for a makeover?"

"Yes, we both are," said the blonde woman. She was wearing an unfortunate combination of a black miniskirt that dated straight back to Madonna's 'Holiday' video and an oversized camouflage T-shirt with a knot tied at the waist.

I could tell that without even asking, sister.

"Now are you two together, or separate?" Aphrodite asked, pulling out her appointment book.

The brunette gave the blonde a sidelong glance. "We don't know each other...but if it's all right with you, could you give us the fashion consult together? We hit it off outside. She liked my Chuck Taylors."

Aphrodite repressed a shudder as she looked at the woman's beat-up, stained basketball shoes that probably had once been pink but had faded to an unidentifiable shade of taupe. "I think I insist," she replied, covering up her horror with a smile as she led the clients to the back of the shop.

"Now, which one of you is Gabrielle and which one is Xena?"

by minya

"Hello, Nurse. What seems to be the problem?"

"Doctor, I seem to be having vaginal discharge."

"Please remove your garments and lie on the table and I'll take a look."

"Thank you, Doctor. You're very kind to see me after hours."

"Of course. I'm committed to vaginal health."

"What do you think?"

"It's nothing to worry about, Nurse. Your vulva is in excellent health."

"Are you sure, Doctor? My inner labia seem a bit swollen."

"Well, Nurse, it's not inflamed from infection, just from arousal."

"And the discharge?"

"Well, that's just your body's natural lubrication as it prepares for sexual activity."

"I can't tell you what a relief that is. But silly me, I've forgotten to do my monthly breast self-evaluation."

"I can take a look at them for you, Nurse."

"They seem to be very sensitive, Doctor."

"Perhaps it's the stimulation. How does it feel when I pinch your nipples gently?"


"That was quite a thorough examination, Doctor."

"Well, Nurse, you have excellent insurance."

by canwecookwithyourjuices

Xena giggled as she made the dinosaur pancake on her plate pretend to eat the dog pancake.

Gabrielle glanced up from the stove where she was frying eggs. "Xena! Pancakes go in bellies!"

Xena looked up, abashed. "Sorry, Gabby, it's just that the funny-shaped pancakes you make almost beg to be played with."

"Well, eat them. Your sassy eggs are almost done. Over easy, right?"

"The easiest. Hey, the burner is extra flamey today - don't forget to turn it off."

Xena obligingly took a few bites of her pancakes and chased them down with a large swig of the mocha at her side - her third of the day though it was only ten in the morning. "And Gabby?"


"Thanks for not making one of the pancakes a frog or a horse."

Gabrielle gave her a smile and tucked her hair behind one of her cute ears.

"Sweetie, I know you don't like frogs. And I would never make you a horse pancake after you told me that story about how a horse bit your arm when you were a kid."

Xena laughed as she dragged the rest of the pancake through the drizzle of syrup on her plate. "I know you think it's kind of insane."

"I said quirky!" Gabrielle smiled her trademark half-smile as she brought the skillet over to the table and let the eggs slide from the frying pan onto Xena's plate.

Xena took the opportunity to kiss the hand that held the skillet. She inhaled the familiar scent of jasmine, honeysuckle, sandalwood, strawberries, peppermint, vanilla, a hint of patchouli, but mostly that sweet and spicy scent that was uniquely Gabrielle.

"Mmmm, Gabbyhand is almost as yummy as breakfast. I don't know which is better, your cooking or your body. And would you get offended if I said your body, 'cause your cooking is the best ever. But the food you make is better than anything I've ever had in my life. Maybe I'll just say I love them both and leave it at that."

Gabrielle smiled affectionately at the Xenababble as she put the skillet in the sink and joined Xena at the table. "I'm just glad you like my cooking." She paged through a spiral notebook that contained a multitude of scribblings.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Trying to figure out what I should make for dinner."

"Why are they all in different colors?" Xena asked, peering at the page.

Gabrielle laughed. "Oh, that's just my little system. I write the dairy products in blue, since they go in the refrigerator, vegetables in green because they're green, and dry goods in brown."

"That's smart," Xena said. A thoughtful expression came over her face as she ate the last of the eggs. "I've just had an idea about how to combine my two favorite things - your cooking and your body."

"What's that, hon?" Gabrielle said absently, absorbed in a recipe for Death by Chocolate.

Xena smirked and walked to the refrigerator. She took out a bowl of leftover pudding that Gabrielle had made for their dessert last night.

"You know how they say eat it or wear it?"

Gabrielle looked up, finally noticing the pudding and the unmistakable look of desire in Xena's face as she stirred the sweet treat with a plastic spatula.


"I think we can do both."

"Both? Do you mean something naughty?"

"Just trying a little spicy talk."

"You mean?"

"I mean. Want to?"

A slow grin split Gabrielle's face as she felt her body's response to the idea. Breakfast with Xena was always an adventure.

"Oh yes."

by aresisagod

The man settled himself in front of the mirror. He glanced at the extra weight he had put on the bar. Fifty extra pounds was ambitious, but he felt strong today. He looked at his face in the mirror, admiring the way his goatee framed his chiseled jaw, and took several deep breaths, filling his muscles with extra oxygen.

He flexed his fingers and gripped the bar, and his pectoral muscles contracted as he tested the weight. His skin was gleaming in the gym lights, covered by a thin sheen of sweat. His lats became more defined as he lifted the bar.

Xena tore her gaze away from the virile hunk of manhood and smiled at Gabrielle by her side, who was just as enrapt.

"If I swung that way, I'd be all over that man," she said.

Gabrielle nodded. "Mmm-hmm. That makes two of us, and I don't mean maybe."

"Want to go hit the showers?"


"You know it."

by WedsPink

Xena, heavy with young, stood up from the recliner with difficulty. In her seventh month of pregnancy, she wasn't as limber as she used to be. She patted her belly and walked over to the hallway.

"Mama G?" she called.

"In here, Mama Xe," she heard her partner call back. She walked down the hall to the door of the nursery, where she beheld Gabrielle putting the finishing touches on the blue curtains, tying them back with a cord. The sight took her breath away.

"How are the twins?" Xena asked.

Gabrielle patted her own belly, which was roughly the size of Xena's though she was a month behind her. "They're active today. I think that one of them is going to be a soccer player. Ooh, there's another kick!"

Xena leaned against the doorway and sighed blissfully. "I can't think of any better way for us to express our love for each other than to have each others' babies at the same time," she said.

Gabrielle gave her an adoring look. "Me neither." A little gleam entered her eye. "Well, maybe one way."

Xena knew what her partner had in mind. Pregnancy hadn't negatively affected either of their libidos - and if anything, it had doubled Gabrielle's.

"Want to go...take a nap?" Xena asked with a grin.

by ArgosMistress

A knock on the door to the cockpit caught Xena's attention.

"Get that, would you?" she said to her copilot, Joxer. He obliged and opened the door.

It was Gabrielle, the head flight attendant. She was balancing a tray of steaming coffee, eggs, and pancakes.

"I brought you a wake-up call!" she chirped happily. "Two hours till we land in Boston, and it's almost 4:00 a.m."

Joxer yawned. "I'm not even hungry, Gabs, but thanks!"

She gave him a look. "Don't call me Gabs."

Xena interrupted the brewing fight, which she knew would escalate if she didn't step in. "You may not want any breakfast, Joxer, but I do. Why don't you clear out and Gabrielle can keep me company while I eat."

He shrugged and left.

The aroma of the eggs made Xena's stomach growl. She hadn't had any food since they left LAX the previous night. And she never got drowsy on a flight, but the coffee was welcome too. Gabrielle was thoughtful, that was for sure. Xena gazed appreciatively at the flight attendant as she set down the tray on the floor and claimed Joxer's vacated copilot seat.

Her next words caught Xena by surprise, though.

"So, Captain," Gabrielle said in a drawl, you want me to keep you company while" She reached out and plucked Xena's captain hat and settled it on her own head.

Xena gave her a confused look. "You don't have to if you don't want to," she said. "I just thought I could use a break from Joxer, that's all."

"Is that thing on autopilot?"

A nod confirmed that yes, it was.

"Well," Gabrielle said, uncrossing her legs, which were covered by her knee-length skirt, "I thought that your wake-up call could include some fringe benefits." She handed Xena a little bundle of fabric.

Xena looked down at the material. What is this? She unfolded the flimsy silk garment and held it up.

It was a sparkly pink thong. Across the front, sequins spelled out 'Gabrielle.'

Comprehension dawned on her face and she looked at the flight attendant in a new light - and at her skirt. She slid out of her chair to kneel on the ground in front of Gabrielle.

by JustEschewIt

(Note: we think this one might be plagiarized from another fandom, so caveat emptor. --amazon_hacker and wiccanbard)

Gabrielle laughed as she stepped toward the bed and began pulling Xena's shirt over her head. "A girl down the hall is a fashion design major. I g-got the material and she made the lingerie." She leant close to Xena's ear as she unfastened the brunette's bra. "They glow in the dark too."

Xena's hands began to trace the lines of Gabrielle's bra before gently touching the menorahs and stars of David on each. "They look almost like my pajamas. Remember them?"

Gabrielle pushed Xena back onto the bed before stretching her body on top of her lover's. "I remember it all, baby." The blonde began kissing Xena's jugular, unsurprised to hear her breath catch. At the same time, she moved her hand to the waistband of Xena's jeans and undid the button. She could feel her own passion racing. Xena's hand moved to the back of the blonde's head and pulled their lips together. Her other pressed against the bed, lifting her so that Gabrielle could pull off her jeans and panties. Now naked, she moved her hand to Gabrielle's waist, caressing her hip and pulling her closer. Her legs fell open and she gasped as the blonde's leg pressed against her center.

Xena grasped Gabrielle's lovely bottom, running her fingertips along the edges of the Hannukah panties and pulling her into her body even more as she thrust her tongue into the blonde's mouth. She toyed with the panties, gently questing toward her lover's center as if trying to decide whether to dispose of the barrier or continue admiring it. Before she could decide, she felt Gabrielle lift slightly from her center.

"Come back," she panted.

Gabrielle giggled at Xena's adorable pout and placed a quick kiss on her nose. "Patience," she purred as she began placing gentle kisses on the redhead's neck before moving to her chest. Much as she would have loved to spend the entire night making love to the brunette's pert nipples, the combination of the way Xena was moving under her, the months since the two had been together, and the scent wafting toward her, made going slowly utterly impossible.

She slid down the bed until her face neared her lover's center. "Stupid small dorm beds," she muttered, eliciting a giggle from Xena, as she attempted to fold her legs up against the wall of the room. Finding a position that didn't involve inventing an advanced Yoga pose, she lowered her mouth to place a gentle kiss on Xena's stomach just above her hairline.

"Please don't tease me, Gabrielle."

Gabrielle needed no further encouragement; she used one hand to separate Xena's folds and ran her tongue the full length of her lips, marveling at the girl's wonderful taste. At the first contact the redhead bucked up, only Gabrielle's weight holding her to the bed. "I don't want to tease," Gabrielle purred as she repeated the action on each side of her lover's luscious and soaking wet lips. Xena made some incoherent sounds which the blonde took as an invitation to bring her even more pleasure. She knew just how much both women needed this connection and immediately licked against Xena's clit. As Xena screamed and grabbed a pillow to place over her mouth, Gabrielle continued licking, finally sucking her lover's clit into her mouth and feeling the brunette's grateful release.

by Mrs. McFine

"I'm not worried," Xena announces, as she holds the dart in her hand, aiming for the board in her kitchen.

"Third time's the charm, eh? You think your last shot will save you? You've barely been able to hit the board all night," I tease.

"More trash talk from the woman who has H-O-R already." Xena narrows her eyes at her target.

I shouldn't flirt like this. But she makes it too easy.

"I'm a whore, I admit it. But you're about to join me when you miss this shot." I step up behind Xena and poke her in the ribs, just as she releases the dart. It goes wide right, making yet another hole in the wall behind the board.

"Good luck getting your security deposit back," I gloat. "Now we're tied."

Xena walks over to the board to retrieve her darts. She raises her eyebrow at me. "Let's see what you've got. You talk big. But you cheat."

"What are you talking about? It's not my fault your concentration sucks." My heart speeds up as my hand touches hers as she passes me the darts.

"Seventeen," I call as I aim.

"So you're unflappable," Xena murmurs in a low voice, right in my ear.

"Totally," I lie.

"So nothing I do should stop you from making that shot?" Xena takes a small step closer, her chest almost touching my back.

Despite her nearness, I barely hear her - my heart is beating too loudly in my chest.

Unflappable? Hardly. Do you know how much control it's taking to not reach back and run my fingers through your hair? To not turn my head just a little so our lips touch? I can't figure you out. Just when I decide you only think of me like a little sister you do something like this and throw me off-balance. I need my balance if I'm going to make this shot.

I take a deep breath, step forward, and let go of the dart.

"Eighteen. Well, that's numerically close to seventeen. Too bad it's nowhere near it on the board." It's Xena's turn to gloat.

"You hush. At least I hit the board. I still have two more chances before you can make fun of me." I smile and glance at her out of the corner of my eye, my focus still on the dart board. I have to maintain my pretense of unflappability.

"By all means, take your best shot." Xena steps back and allows me to miss my next two throws uninterrupted.

I liked it better when you were trying to flap me. Oh well. My turn to see who's unflappable.

Xena positions her toe at the tile we've agreed is the throwing line and takes aim.


"Pretty confident, are you?"

Xena turns and looks into my eyes. "All or nothing - on this shot. If I make it, I win. If I miss, you do." She waits for my reply.

What are we really playing for, Xena? Both our expressions are serious as we maintain eye contact. It's gone on longer than is socially acceptable, but I can't seem to tear myself away. It's too intense - I have to break this mood or I'll do something I can't take back.

I look away as I flash what I hope is a friendly smile and not a pained grimace. "I accept."

Don't do it. You're only going to get yourself hurt. Don't do it. Aw, who am I kidding?

"And since you're so unflappable, you won't mind if I stand right here while you take this final shot." I move in behind her and speak into her ear, my lips almost touching her.

Why can't I stop flirting? Flirting is just as bad as staring into the depths of her blue, blue eyes like a mooning teenager.

"Not at all. I am totally not flappable." Xena's eyes are now facing forward, her expression one of concentration.

We'll see...

I wait until the last possible moment and then - I blow into her ear.


Xena whirls around, her eyes flashing. "I win."

She's so close to me, her body language suddenly predatory. My eyes widen and I step back involuntarily. She advances, backing me into the kitchen counter.

"What do you win?" I manage to ask. If I thought my heart was pounding before, it's a jackhammer now.

"That depends. I know what I want."

Did she just look me up and down?

She places her hands on the counter, on either side of me and leans in, her lips mere millimeters from mine.

"I think I won too," I say as the truth sinks in and I reach up for her face.


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