Return to UberSmut Chapter Seven


Author: SallyMcFine
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and am not profiting from this story, except for spiritually, of course.

The rain drummed on the roof and walls outside without showing any signs of letting up, as it had been doing all morning. Tara and Willow were in their pajamas in the living room, while Anya was at the library with her accounting classmates finishing a group project. It was a relaxing way for them to spend a Sunday morning. Tara slouched in a chair in front of the desktop computer that she shared with Anya, while Willow was curled up on the couch with her laptop.

"Xena cupped Gabrielle's pudenda - honestly, 'pudenda'? - and slowly moved her fingers across the slick surface of her vulva."

"Vulva?" said Willow.

"You know, I think that 'vulva' is an underutilized word in fan fiction. Yes, it's an anatomical term, but it's kind of lyrical, don't you think? Say it - vulllllva. Rolls off the tongue."

"But 'pudenda' isn't lyrical."

"No, it's not," said Tara. "This whole sex scene is full of anatomically correct words, though. Maybe it's because it has a gynecologist and her nurse getting it on."

"Read some more."

Tara sat up straighter and continued.

"The walls of Gabrielle's vagina clenched around Xena's fingers. The modified plasma transudate secreted by hundreds of small ducts in the vaginal epithelium allowed her fingers to slide in easily. "That feels so good, Doctor," Gabrielle said. "That's because the friction on the walls of your vagina produces pleasure in the nerve endings, as well as the pressure stimulating your clitoris internally, Nurse."

"Ha!" said Willow.

"Wait, there's more - get this. "You're so smart, Doctor." "That's because I attended four years of medical school and six years of residency plus a fellowship, Nurse."

"Definitely Mary Sue," said Willow. "A med student probably wrote this."

"Or a doctor," said Tara. "But I can't figure out if all the anatomically correct terms are serious, or making fun of fics that use them too much."

"Who can say? Maybe feedbackers will ask. I'll look forward to hearing what the author has to say."

"What story are you reading?" Tara asked.

"It's called Xena Hood and Maid Gabrielle," said Willow. "Here, listen to this."

"Xena Hood untied Maid Gabrielle's bodice, gently unlacing the cord that held her luscious globes captive. The bodice opened with a sigh of relief, it seemed, exposing the creamy flesh inside. She caressed the already-stiff peaks atop the mounds."

"It sounds like a candy bar," Tara said, smiling.

"Yeah. I don't think the word 'breast' is in this fic at all."

"Then the word 'vulva' definitely won't be," said Tara.

Willow scanned further down the page. "Here's the oral sex scene - no vulvas or vaginas are mentioned:"

"Xena Hood inhaled the scent of her lover's womanly aroma. It reminded her of flowers, of the warm dark scent of the forest floor after a hard rain, of rushing streams and lazily drifting rivers, of an oasis in the desert, a secret warm spring in a darkened wood."

"That's quite a description," said Tara.

"Yeah, why don't you ever describe my nether regions that way? But wait, there's more," said Willow. "Xena Hood gently probed the moist channel, the secret pathway to Maid Gabrielle's inner sanctum. The sweet nectar coated her fingers like honey on a bee's proboscis. Gabrielle moaned as the delicious sensation penetrated every corner of her being."

"The moist channel!" Tara said. "That's my favorite channel - well, except for the WB." She walked over to the couch and sat next to Willow, resting her head on the redhead's shoulder.

Willow smooched the top of her head. "You know, it's going to merge with UPN to form a new network, right?"

"Yep - the CW. But as long as they keep Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars, I don't care what they call it."

Willow clicked a few buttons on her laptop, saving the stories to the hard drive. "You know, if you merged these two fics together - the overly-clinical and the extra-flowery language - it might actually form a balanced-smut-language story," she said thoughtfully.

They snuggled closer as Willow went back to reading more snippets to Tara, enjoying their lazy Sunday morning together.

Continue to UberSmut Chapter Nine

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