(Day 6 - Tuesday, November 13, 1984)
"If I'm right," Willow repeated and while standing foreheads connecting, she opened her eyes so she could look again at the beautiful girl in front of her. "If I'm right, what do we do now?"
"I know what I want to do," Tara looked deeply into the sea green eyes looking back at her. Willow could express so much love and caring just with those eyes. Tara was afraid to break the contact at her forehead, so she held them together. "But if you're right, then everything I've ever been taught is a lie."
Willow considered the statement for a moment. "I don't think that's true." Willow pulled back a bit so she could study the girl's expressions. She wanted to be careful when she reflected her current thoughts. "I think we have to study everything for ourselves to find truth. The only true teacher is that spirit inside that tells us if a thing is right."
Tara looked carefully at Willow so see if this was a joke. "You're saying that my church leaders, my teacher, my family are wrong."
"No, Tara, I'm not. I'm saying that we each only know something is true when we specifically have that confirmed." Willow could tell she might be losing Tara to the forces of guilt and shame and didn't want her to suffer through that, but it had to be addressed. "But we have to ask the right questions."
"I don't know what the question is anymore." Tara was showing signs of fatigue and emotional distress.
"Oh Tara, I'm not going to make you do anything you're not comfortable with. But this is something I think we both need to know before we go out in the big world and preach these ideas." Willow moved her hand from around Tara's waist, trailed her fingers down Tara's arm until she found her hand. She entwined a few fingers in Tara's to ensure there was still a connection there. And mirrored the same with Tara's other hand.
Tara felt the warmth of Willow's touch and it was confusing. How could this be wrong? "It's a test. This is just a test of my will."
Willow looked back at her and decided a little humor was in order. "Your Will? I didn't know we had decided that."
Tara shook her head and realized her inadvertent pun, "Vixen."
"Oh I know this one, we learned it, and um...it sounds like kitchen...kitsume." Willow giggled. "Well I've been called a lot worse, so that's good." Willow guided Tara gently over toward the wall to sit down. She let go of Tara's hands in case she wasn't comfortable holding her hands.
"Who would call you something worse than that? I can't think of anything bad about you." Tara was concerned about her friend and her past.
Willow wasn't sure what to say. "Tara, being well, what I am, it's not easy. I've been fighting this thing my whole life, the thoughts, the feelings, the loneliness, and the fear. And people are not always kind even when they are well meaning."
"So you've, um, dealt with this issue with others before." Tara dropped her head and hid behind her hair. This is not something she had been forced to address openly. She'd always hidden in shadow waiting for the right man to make her feel - well anything.
"Well one of the nicer things I've been called, well not me specifically, is a vampire." Willow seemed a little amused. She looked down at her hands that she had placed in her lap.
"Wait, a what?" Tara pulled her head back up to look and see if Willow was kidding. "A vampire, that's ridiculous - I've seen you in the sun." Tara chuckled a little. "And you have freckles."
"I know; it's silly." Willow was glad she had turned the conversation a little to a more cheerful subject. She looked back up at Tara. "I am not a vampire. I mean, look at my outfit." Tara looked down to the sweats and t-shirt the girl had on. She imagined Willow had fuzzy slippers too, but she probably would have been too shy to bring them.
"Yeah, I don't see Count Dracula coming to your room late at night, the wind blowing through the open window to catch your beautiful" Tara grabbed the bottom of Willow's T-shirt for dramatic effect, "silky nightgown" she flapped the shirt as if the wind had taken it, "in a sexy breeze." Tara replaced the shirt to its original location, but in doing so, she touched Willow's stomach. The contact brought another shiver of excitement for both of them.
"I don't think that's what they meant." Willow wanted to explain this so Tara would understand. "They think," Willow lowered her voice to a whisper, "gay people recruit others; we mislead and seduce to bring people over to the other side. We are evil people, demons who want nothing more than to bring others to hell with us."
Tara realized that Willow had been through something that she had not. Willow had listened to the remarks and thought they applied to her. She had internalized it, and it hurt her. Willow had actually accepted that she was gay. Tara realized for the first time, that she had dismissed that label all this time, so the cutting barbs hadn't hurt. She felt a little angry for her friend. "That's not fair."
"Who said anything about fair? This is about my feelings. I don't consciously choose who I like, I just know." Willow could tell something had struck a nerve with Tara; she just wasn't sure what it was.
Tara reached across to Willow and touched her hands, entwined their fingers, and looked down at them. "What do you know?" Tara implored with her eyes still looking at their hands. They felt so right together.
Willow ducked her head down below Tara's so she could catch her gaze. "I know" she moved a little closer to her, "that I'm" she looked at Tara's soft and inviting lips that had just parted in anticipation, "falling." She held her position to see what Tara would do, "for you," she said in a whisper.
The energy between them was hot. Tara saw Willow looking up at her and she couldn't help herself. She took a breath. She's falling ... for me. Tara leaned forward ever so slowly and met Willow's lips in a soft kiss. I'm falling for you too.
The rush of heat was indescribable. Tara felt like her stomach had fallen out of her body. Everything was tingling. She felt light headed and wanted to fall into Willow. She didn't know she was capable of this much feeling and the passion that bubbled beneath the surface was breathtaking.
Willow was hopeful that the moment between them would never end, but she knew eventually the kiss would deepen or stop. She knew what she wanted, but she wanted to respect the feelings of her Tara. She knew logically that Tara would have to process what had just happened and come to terms with this potentially life changing event.
Willow started to pull away gently, but Tara chased after with her lips. Tara released their clasped hands; she threaded her arms under Willow's and wrapped them around Willow pulling her tightly to her. Willow was a little off balance; she was drawn toward Tara from the position where she sat in front of her. Tara turned a little to position herself. She drew Willow's upper body closer to her locking them in a firm and sensual embrace.
Willow lost all control. She moaned quietly. All the thoughts she had for Tara's feelings of guilt and shame vanished in an instant when she felt Tara's breasts meet her own. She gasped. When her chest heaved with the sudden breath, it increased the contact between them. Her body responded with a heat and desire she had never known. When Tara's hand moved up to touch her hair, Willow moved her hands slowly across the small gap between them feeling Tara's lower ribs as she moved her arms to match the embrace.
Tara felt the gentle caress of Willow's hands moving across her body to hold her and it furthered Tara's resolve. She wanted to devour this girl, this passionate woman. Tara felt awake for the first time in her life. She relaxed her jaw, softened her lips, and heard a moan that she knew had not come from Willow. She moved her head a little to change the pressure against Willow's lips.
Willow was swooning, and awakened with desire. She felt the pressure against her lips change and responded by pulling back, parting her lips and deepened the level of their intimacy. This was no longer a prolonged simple first kiss; this was so much more. She eased her tongue out to touch the lips with the sensitive muscle. The action was welcomed and a companion tongue snuck out to meet hers. Neither ventured further, they just lightly touched feeling and enjoying the sensations of their newfound closeness.
Tara finally broke the kiss. She looked into the eyes glazed in desire. "Am I dreaming?"
Willow smiled and responded quietly, "If you are I hope you never wake up."
Tara repositioned her hands moving them across Willows back and up to her shoulders in a gentle caress. She felt the line of Willow's undergarments under her t-shirt. She was thrown back to reality. "Oh Willow, we can't do this."
Willow knew the second Tara felt the lacey edge of her garments through her t-shirt and stopped the motion that the moment between them was broken. "Well that was a little sooner than I'd hoped." Willow dropped her head and rested her forehead on Tara's shoulder.
Tara closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of Willow's hair. "I'm sorry."
"What? No Tara, don't be sorry." Willow jerked her head up and looked at Tara. She was panicking, "Whatever you feel, whatever you say or do, please, please, please don't be sorry."
"Oh, no, honey. Not that kind of sorry. I'm not sorry I kissed you." Tara saw the hurt forming in Willow's eyes and knew she'd made a colossal blunder. "I'm so not sorry I kissed you."
"You're not?" Willow practically squeaked.
"Oh Gosh no, that was the best kiss, with a capital K that I have ever, ever had." Tara reached out and touched the tear that had fallen down Willow's cheek. "We just have so much to work through, so many things to decide, and I don't want to work this out here, on the floor by the vending machines at" she looked at her watch, "um four o'clock in the morning. When did that happen?"
"Oh, we have to be up in two hours." Willow's mind was racing. "This is so not good. I'm sorry."
"Now look who's sorry?" Tara smiled at Willow and she immediately felt better.
"How do you do that?" Willow asked.
"Um, do what?" Tara reached out and stroked a strand of red head then tucked it back behind Willow's ear.
"You lift me up." Willow leaned her cheek into Tara's palm. The movement touched Tara so profoundly she couldn't speak. So she communicated the only way she knew how. She kissed her again. Gone was the tentative touch, Tara wanted nothing more than to display all the affection she could with this kiss. She opened her mouth slightly and found Willow's lower lip. She sucked on it gently before letting go and locking their lips in an open-mouthed kiss.
Willow submitted to Tara's tongue as it entered her mouth. She felt another wave of arousal course through her; if her eyes had been open, she knew they would have rolled back in her head. If she'd been standing up, she would have fallen or possibly passed out. She was high. She realized Tara was right. They needed to stop or something unavoidable would happen and this was not the time or the place.
Willow brought her hand to Tara's face, to signal that they should stop. Somehow, Tara understood the gesture and pulled back.
Willow was the first to be able to speak. "Okay, tomorrow we study, and thumb wrestle, and you tell me what the green M&M means." Tara blushed when Willow finished her list. "We'll figure this out," Willow nodded to coax agreement from Tara.
"But until then, business as usual." Tara gently bobbed her head a few times in agreement. "And PS, I still want you to sing for me."
Tara tried to say something, but a big yawn emerged which made Willow smile, "Until then?"
Tara still could not speak. So she just smiled a half smile that warmed Willow all over. Willow stood up, reached her hand out to help Tara, and quietly whispered in her ear, "Kitsume."