Author: Useful_Oxymoron
Rating: R-rating. Expect dark humor and violent imagery. Um, it is supposed to be a romantic tale, though, but in a rather demented way. Warning, though, it gets rather twisted, especially at the end.
Disclaimer: Well, I don't own Willow or Tara. If I did, I wouldn't have made certain... questionable decisions in the latter seasons. And, in case of this story, a rather questionable decision at the end of Doppelgangland. In any case, Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own these characters and I don't intend to make any money off them.
Feedback: Is cool. It's always nice to know somebody likes the crap I write. Viernadevir@hotmail.com
Summary: This is basically an AU AU story (Is there such a thing, actually ?) When Vampire Willow gets back from the alternate universe our Willow pulled her into, she finds someone waiting for her back home. Then things get wacky.
Notes: Influences for this story: ZZ-Top - Viva las vegas. Motor Head - Ace of Spades. Watching Vic Fontaine on Deep Space Nine.

Willow faded into being, still feeling slightly disorientated from the spell that had send her back home from that horrible alternate universe. She shook her head and saw that the battle at the plant was still raging all around her. A little too late, she noticed that one of the White Hats... Oz, wasn't it? ... barrelling towards her.

Just as she was about to pushed into a jagged piece of wood, when she felt herself being yanked out of Oz's grasp. Looking to her side, she saw her savior smiling at her.

Tara.

She was wearing a long leather coat and a green bodice, showing off her cleavage so very, very nicely. Her blue eyes, now yellow in her vamped-out face, danced with her blonde hair... but now, all of Tara's ire was directed at Oz. Willow's lover snarled evilly and treated Oz to a savage kick in the back, cruelly impaling him on the jagged piece of wood. Oz gurgled in pain, but Tara kept pressing down.

"There!" she shouted. "See how you like being staked!"

"Tara," Willow said, embracing her tightly. "I missed you so much."

"Nobody messes with my Willow-tree. But what happened to you? You were only gone for 2 seconds," Tara stated, taking a moment to launch a very destructive spell to the other side of the room, partially incinerating another White Hat, some pushy jock called Larry.

The Vampire Witch grinned at Willow for a moment. Willow grinned back. "Play now?" Willow smirked.

Together, the vampire lovers entered the fray.

Later, after all the nasty White Hats were dead and all the other humans were captured and 'processed', Willow and Tara were sitting in the room above the Bronze which they shared. Willow was telling her story to a frowning Tara who listened intently, while Willow comforted herself by petting their beloved cat: Miss Kitty Ferocio.

"And we had no power at all, humans ruled the streets," Willow spat. "And then there was me... fuzzy little me. God, she was so sexually repressed, it hurt."

"Repressed?" Tara smirked. "You?"

"Yeah, I know. Frightening, isn't it? Guess what... she had a boyfriend."

"Oh, ick!" Tara made a face.

"Yeah, I know," Willow said again, still petting the playful Miss Kitty Ferocio. "I offered to turn her, but she wasn't interested. I suppose the world just wasn't ready for two Willows."

Tara's eyes glazed over for a moment. "Oh, wow... the things I could do with two Willows."

"Guess what again! We haven't even met in that other universe," Willow said. "I didn't see you there, anyway."

"Heh," Tara smirked. "I would certainly gotten that Willow out of repression. I'm just the thing that other Willow needs."

"Well, forget it, cause you're mine," Willow huffed. "Besides, if I was fuzzy and repressed in that sucky world, just imagine what you'd be like. I mean, you could be one of those shy wiccan earthy types. Or one of those seaweed drinking enviro-freaks. Or a rabid Star Trek fan who dresses up like a Klingon at conventions. You could even be," Willow whispered, "straight!"

Upon hearing the word 'straight', Tara grimaced and grasped at her heart. "Oh, disgusting! Straight?! I'm going to be having nightmares for weeks now!"

"Sorry baby," Willow smiled at Tara and handed her Miss Kitty Ferocio for petting. "So, um, Tara? I've been thinking. Now that the Slayer is dead and the plant is running full speed. The Master really doesn't need us anymore... And you know what we've been talking about?"

"We could ask the Master!" Tara smiled broadly.

To their delight the Master had said yes to their request. That same night, Willow had stolen a car and partially blinded the windows by smearing it with black paint, enough to keep the sun out, but not enough to completely blind their sight. At their home, Tara had been packing their suitcases, taking extra care to pack their leather wares... and the manacles. Willow'd be nowhere without her manacles. After packing their favorite DVD's, Tara's spellbooks and spell components, Willow's laptop, Miss Kitty's toys and putting Miss Kitty Ferocio in a travel box, Willow arrived to help her stuff their belongings into the trunk. Miss Kitty got a place in the backseat and Willow and Tara were ready to leave Sunnydale forever.

"Ah," the Master said as he walked up to the car. "It always brings a tear to my eye to see a young one spread her wings to leave the nest. Promise me you'll stay in touch."

"I have your e-mail address, Master," Willow said.

"Come give your grandsire a hug," the Master said and Willow complied. "Tara, you take good care of Willow, you hear? She's a very sensitive young woman."

"Count on it," Tara called back from the car.

"I've brought you some snacks for the road," the Master handed him a coolbox filled with bloodpacks. "Fresh from the plant."

Willow and Tara thanked the Master, who in turn wished them luck with their new lives. A few minutes later, Willow let her car screech through the streets of Sunnydale, making an extra effort to drive over the 'Welcome to Sunnydale'-sign on the way out of town.

They had passed the 'Welcome to Nevada'-sign an hour ago, and were driving through a small road in the middle of the mojave desert underneath the burning sun. But that didn't bother the two vampires too much. They to too busy head-banging and singing along to the hard rock on the radio.

"Pushing up the ante, I know you wanna see me," Willow sang at the top of her lungs, along with Motorhead on the radio. "Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again."

"I see it in your eyes, take one look and die," Tara sang, somewhat more lyrical and on key. "The only thing you see, you know it's gonna be."

"The Ace Of Spades! The Ace Of Spades! The Ace Of Spades!" both lovers sang at the top of their lungs.

Their reverie was rudely disturbed by a siren and red flashing lights behind them. Looking into her mirror, Willow saw a cop on a motorbike driving behind them. Sighing, she turned down the radio and waited for the policeman to walk up to her window. Willow rolled down the window while Tara shot the cop a dirty look.

"So," he spoke and he bend his head into the car... obviously stealing a look at Willow's leather suit. Or rather, Willow's assets inside said leather suit. "You little ladies are driving along? Your windows are a little dirty. You sure you can drive like this?"

"We were doing just fine," Willow said coldly. "Until some hick chickenboffer with a helmet on his head decided to pull us over."

The cop's expression froze. "Ladies, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car."

"I've got a better idea," Willow smirked. "Why don't you come in?"

The cop yelled and struggled while the two strong vampires pulled him inside through the open window. His screams resounded in the car as his blood ended up being splattered against the insides of the windows.

Somewhat later, the car drove off again, after Willow had thrown out a now very dented helmet.

In the moonlight, somewhat away from the road into the desert, they could just see the lights of their destination in the distance.

After dragging the body of the dead (and drained) cop out of the car and into the desert, Willow started to dig a hole to get rid of the body before it would start to smell up their car.

Tara, on the other hand, danced around in the moonlight. "Oh, Willow," Tara sighed. "Just imagine dancing together in the moonlight on the graves of our victims. Our own, private Golgotha. How romantic would that be?"

"Sounds nice, baby... Oh, CRAP!" Willow shouted and threw away the spade.

"What's wrong?"

"The mob already buried someone here," Willow held her nose and re-covered the makeshift grave with dirt.

"Find another spot," Tara said while looking at the lights in the distance. "Do you see it, sweetie?"

"Yeah, baby," Willow grinned. "Vampire paradise!"

"But first," Tara started.

"House hunting!" Willow finished.

"This is my pad, where I live," the horny bachelor Tara and Willow had picked up in a nightclub said. The two vampires needed only one look around to see that it wasn't what they were looking for. It was an apartment, with little or no amenities... way too central to be a hide-out.

"Another dud," Tara sighed. "Third time now... this is getting depressing."

"So," the horny bachelor offered them a lecherous grin. "You're a lesbian couple, right? I like that..."

"Bored now," Willow sighed, grabbing his head and jerking his head sharply to the left. He dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

After dropping off the bodies of the three bachelors they had killed at their new private Golgotha, the two vampire lovers decided to try one more time. They hit the nightclubs again, but this time Willow had bit the bullet and played the seduction game while Tara sat this one out.

This man, a middle-age bachelor with a golden chain hanging around his neck, led them to a very promising house. It was a nice, two-storey building at the very edge of town and no neighbors next to it on either side.

"Wow," said Tara as she looked out the window from the living room. "Look at that pool!"

"Wow," Willow said. "A superfast wireless internet broadband connection!"

"Look at that basement!" Tara grinned wickedly. "It's perfect."

"Check out that huge bed," Willow grinned. "Play now?"

"Or," Tara grinned. "Check out the jacuzzi next to the pool. Ooohhh, I love this place."

The bachelor grinned and pressed a little button on a remote. Immediately, a huge plasma TV rose up from the floor at the edge of the bed.

Tara and Willow smiled at each other for a moment. "We'll take it!" they spoke at the same time.

"Oh, yes," the eager mid-life crisis suffering bachelor chuckled. "You'll both be taking it in several positions soon and..." he stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed something... odd... with the faces of these two gorgeous young women. They went from lovely to demonic killer in .5 seconds. He suspected something was very, very wrong here... and that was confirmed when the two lovely young ladies were suddenly tearing his throat out.

After parking their car in the garage and getting their belongings out of the car, Tara set up Miss Kitty Ferocio's toys and scratching post and freed their beloved pet from the travel-box. Immediately, Miss Kitty Ferocio started to explore her new house. They'd stuffed the body of the home's previous owner into the freezer in the basement, since they really didn't want to drive out into the desert today.

In the meantime, Tara and Willow had decided their new jacuzzi would be the perfect location for some good, wholesome lesbian-y fun. Eventually, they decided to relocate their fun to the pool, the bear-rug in front of the fake fireplace, the dining table, the basement and, finally, their huge new bed. At the crack of dawn, Willow and Tara made sure several heavy curtains kept all the sun out of the bedroom and, being thoroughly exhausted, the two lovers rested in each other's arms for the rest of the day.

When sunset was approaching, Willow and Tara were groggily awakening. After discovering the house's previous owner's DVD collection, they had found out that, ironically, he had been an aficionado of vampire movies. After conjuring up the huge tv from the floor, Willow and Tara lay embraced in bed, spending 90 minutes heckling 'Dracula 2000'.

Finally, after having come to the conclusion that Christopher Lee was a better Dracula than the actual real thing, the two ferocious vampires figured it was time to hit the strip to explore their new hunting grounds. Fifteen minutes later, they were standing just outside Ceasar's Palace, looking at the myriad of neon lights spread all over the city.

"Sweetie, you're not planning to gamble away all our money, are you?" Tara pressed.

"Baby, I've got a system! It's infallible!" Willow grinned.

"Sure," Tara rolled her eyes.

"You see, when and if I run out of money, I'll go out on the street, kill someone, dump his or her body in the dumpster, take their wallet and run in to go gambling again," Willow smiled wickedly. "It's full-proof!"

"You know, that actually might work," Tara nodded.

"Of course it'll work," Willow said and ran to the video-poker machines. "Come on, Willow. Eye of the tiger! Eye of the tiger!"

Willow was pissed off. Sure, she'd won a prize, but it was a poodle-prize. What the hell was she going to do with a big bag of golf-clubs?

She glared at Tara. Her lover was calmly stepping outside of the casino, wearing a white fedora hat and an expensive italian tux wrapped around her shoulders. Tara bit down on a hideously expensive cuban cigar and lit it with a 100 dollar bill. And Willow could swear Tara was humming the theme from 'The Godfather'. The worst of it was that Tara had only had to mug two people to win big. Willow had to beat up five people for their wallets and all she had to show for it was that lousy golf-bag.

"You used magic to win, didn't you?" Willow challenged.

"Of course," Tara giggled and blew out some smoke. "Evil, remember? Let's go back tomorrow. Carrot-top is playing then."

"Good!" Willow grimaced, looking up to her own red locks. "I always wanted to kill and torture that bastard! Tomorrow I'll get the chance."

"I hoped George Carlin would be playing tomorrow," Tara said. "It's so cute when he talks about cornholing everybody."

"Hmm," Willow said. "I might have an idea how we could spend the rest of the night."

"FOUR!" Willow shouted and swung her golf-club. She and Tara were on the roof of their new home. Willow watched the ball curve and smiled when she heard something break. "Yes! I shattered a windshield! That's eight points."

"No," replied Tara, who was lying down on a lounge chair which she had dragged up to the roof. She was wearing a two-piece bikini, intent on catching some moon-rays. "That's four points. You only get eight points if it's a moving car."

"Alright," Willow said, enjoying her game of roof-top golf and generally wreaking havoc on the neighborhood. So far, there had been three broken windows, five dented cars and three bodily injuries. "Your turn."

Tara got up from her chair and smiled at Willow's appreciative wolf-whistle. Tara took the golf-club, put the ball on the tee and swung her club.

"Bull's Eye!" Tara grinned. "I hit that guy in the head! That's 24 points! What's our end score?"

Willow scribbled on the notepad and then sighed. "Tara, it matters not if you win or lose, it's how you play the game."

Tara smirked and crossed her arms. "Oh, so you mean I win?"

"Yes," Willow sighed. "If winning is that important to you," she added, and grumbled about losing to Tara.

"I d-didn't think you'd be t-that upset about l-losing," Tara snarled and slapped Willow in the face for good measure. "I n-never expected I'd h-have to p-pull you out of a s-stripclub!"

"Baby," Willow sighed. "I only went there to scout out the place, to see if it was a good place to hunt. And it wasn't. I mean, there's silicones in the air, silicones in the bodies, silicones in the drinks, silicones in the food. Probably silicones in their blood too."

"Oh, y-you'd know," Tara looked away.

"Tara, baby," Willow tried. After all, she had been telling the truth. Sleazy joints were always easy pickings for a seductive female vampire. Unfortunately, the Dive, as the club was called, had been true to its name, and was mainly filled with silicone pumped women and beer-filled men. Neither was good for the taste of blood.

And as if she'd look! Tara was the real thing! A 100% natural, sexy woman, the woman she loved! As if she'd look even at those silicone pumped hussies!

Well...

Maybe a little...

Just a nanosecond...

No more than that...

Truly...

But now, Willow's main concern were Tara's stutters. Tara never stuttered unless she was insecure. And Willow, though evil she was, couldn't stand the fact that she had made Tara feel insecure. No words would convince Tara this night that she wasn't lying to her, and Willow felt it was time to take away Tara's insecurities forever.

The two vampires had taken the Quiki Wedding Chapel by storm, and let a path of bloody carnage in their wake. After putting up the sign 'closed' in the window as to not be disturbed, Tara and Willow, both wearing their vamped out faces, stood in front of the altar. The bride of the couple that had entered the chapel before them lay bloodied and sprawled on top of the altar and at their feet lay the remains of a dozen wedding guests and an eviscerated groom.

The reverend, a rhinestone clad Elvis impersonator wearing sun-glasses and a big wig, stood trembling before them.

"Alright, START!" Willow snarled.

"B-but," the Elvis impersonator started, even sounding like Elvis. "Same-sex marriages aren't legal in..."

Tara growled and pointed at her face. "Does it look like we want to marry in the sight of God?!"

"Uh, do you have a marriage license?" the King asked.

"Two," Willow said calmly. "Look, they're here, in my mouth."

"Make that four," Tara added angrily.

"Blood-test?" the King dared to ask.

Willow held up a severed head, dripping blood. "Shall I leak something in a cup for you?"

"Do you have a ring?" the King asked.

Willow snooped around for a moment, and found two rings in the pocket of the groom, and held it up in victory.

"Witnesses?"

Willow held up the severed head again and pointed at it. "Her."

"Her," said Tara, holding up a happily mewing Miss Kitty Ferocio.

Tara adjusted the bridal veil she had stole from the dead bride on the altar. It was smeared in blood and... some brain matter... but Tara considered it rather appropriate. Willow, in turn, held her bridal bouquet, and flicked a piece of internal organ off the blood-soaked flowers with her fingers.

The King opened his book and started reading rather nervously. "Uh, dearly beloved. We are gathered here in the sight of G... Uh... William Shatner..." he quickly improvised, "to unite this woman, Willow Danielle Rosenburg, and this woman, Tamara Elizabeth Maclay, in Ho... uh, Unholy Matrimony. Uh, does anyone object?"

Willow and Tara looked around. They knew everybody here was dead, but they still looked more than ready to kick the living crap out of anyone who dared to speak a word.

"Guess not. You may exchange the rings," the King replied.

Willow slowly slid the ring on Tara's finger. "Tara," Willow smiled. "You're the woman I want to spend my unlife with. You're the woman I want to defile churches with. You're the woman I want to slaughter orphanages with. You're the woman I want to kiss all night long. You're my always, my everything..."

"Willow," Tara said, and slid the other ring on Willow's finger. "When I first rose from my grave, I had a simple dream. A dream to kill all humans. Or at least as many as I could. I never thought I'd be able to share that dream with anyone. I never thought I'd find someone like you. You're the heart of my being, Willow. You're the magic in my unlife."

"Ahum," the King scraped his throat while the vampires were looking quite lovey-dovey at each other. "By the power invested in me by G.., uh, I mean,William Shatner, and the state of Nevada, I hereby pronounce you hus..." the King almost jumped out of his skin when the two vampires snapped towards him and growled loudly. "Uh, sorry, sorry, my mistake, nerves. I meant, of course, that I pronounce you wife and wife. You brides may kiss."

And kiss they did. Vigorous vicarious and amorous smoochies all around.

Willow closed her eyes and threw her bouquet over her shoulders. Later, she saw that it had landed on the lap of a headless corpse. "Good luck with that," she winked at the headless lady.

"Tara?" Willow turned to Tara. "You're crying, baby."

"I'm just so happy, sweetie," Tara sniffed, tears running over her facial ridges. "So happy to be married to you... in the sight of William Shatner, no less."

"It's okay," Willow said, kicking away the body of the eviscerated groom.

"I always cry at weddings," Tara sniffed, "and you know what? That always makes me want to slaughter the minister," she grinned at the King. "Play now?" Tara asked Willow.

"Play now," Willow confirmed.

And the last thing on the King's mortal mind was something along the lines of 'Please don't bleed on my blue suede shoes'.