Author: Cyd (hermitfish)
Something nefarious was brewing inside the Legion of Impractical Malice in the land of Snowydale.
A plot to destroy Christmas was afoot!
"Heh...wouldn't it be cool to get back at all the people who won't give us presents this year before Christmas even happens?" a total, irreparable asshat named Warren asked.
"But isn't that like...everyone?" Jonathan, a dark haired manboy whose height suspiciously resembled a garden gnome, replied.
"That would be cool," the third conspirator, Andrew, responded as he gazed longingly at the asshat.
The question then turned to how...Warren sat with his chin in his hand while Jonathan and Andrew played with their Babylon 5 action figures.
Just when it looked like nothing wicked would come from the initial thought, a simple commercial gave them the answer...curse the TV!
It was fifty seconds that tested the very limits of good taste and sanity. It featured brainwashed children singing cloyingly, horrible versions of songs.
Yes, it was an advert for a wretched Kidz Bop Christmas CD.
"One the second day of Christmas my true love gave to meeeeee...."
"Aha!" Warren proclaimed proclaimingly. He turned to see that Jonathan and Andrew both had Star Trek phasers pointed under their chins and were trying very hard to put themselves out of their misery. They failed to realize they were plastic toys. Warren rolled his eyes and cut off the TV. They abruptly stopped, placing the memorabilia back on their limited edition stands.
"We'll take over the town with two turtle doves. No one will expect them to be evil!" the asshat announced.
Jonathan raised an eyebrow.
"We'll attach mind control mechanisms and then flood them with particles from our mega size increase-y ray gun," he added, using the most scientific name they had come up with for their latest doomsday weapon.
Jonathan still had his eyebrow raised but nodded anyway.
He could do both.
He had little to worry about, in any event, because he knew that he was so small that he could crawl into a thicket until this failed apocalypse came and went. He wasn't sure why they kept trying to take over the world...the Specialfriends stopped them at every impasse.
Andrew could only admire the way Warren commanded so authoritatively.
"So, what do you say boys? Let's set our two turtle doves of evil amok on Snowydale."
They then began a series of hand gestures that signified their solidarity...or something.
"TWO TURTLE DOVES OF EVIL!" They all three victoriously cheered.
Andrew sighed dreamily as he went to the local pet store to find the two turtle doves. He was very happy that Warren gave him such an important mission.
"I need two turtle doves, pronto."
The owner misunderstood his request, handing him a brass cage with one box turtle and one snow white dove instead. Andrew didn't ask any questions.
After all, he didn't know what a turtle dove was anyway.
When he returned to the basement lab of the Legion of Impractical Malice, Jonathan had already set the doomsday weapon to 'kick ass big'. Neither was sure what that meant, but it sounded cool.
Andrew put the two animals in a clear isolation box and yelped when both the turtle and dove bit him as he transferred them out of the cage.
Jonathan cut on the switch, but...GASP...that's when catastrophe occurred. His wussy little hands couldn't hold the cumbersome device and it twisted into the air haphazardly, knocking the box filled with dove and turtle-y goodness into the gene mixing chamber.
The gene mixing chamber that someone left on despite the friendly reminders that came in the mail from the electric service to conserve energy.
What resulted, from that little bit of careless kilowatt usage, was a turtle with a dove's head and wings on back of its shell. When the flailing gun fell to the ground and hit this new creature, a fifty foot terror was born. It rose through the basement, into the first and second floors of the Legion - otherwise known as the house of Andrew's mom.
The giant mutant turtle dove's white feathered head poked out from its newly acquired shell. It began eating the first thing in sight, which happened to be Andrew's Scott Bakula Christmas calendar collection. The blonde man began to scream like Ned Flanders.
Hopefully, that would teach Andrew not to leave genetic mixing machines running willy-nilly.
Warren was driving his black make-out van a couple blocks from the Legion. He called it his make out van though it was still technically tongue free...unless he counted that time when Andrew...
His line of thought went to the fifty foot mutant turtle dove just ahead in the street when he saw the fifty foot mutant turtle dove just ahead in the street. An alternate thought could have been how to get urine off of the driver's seat, but the asshat took his thoughts one at a time.
He looked over at the bag in the passenger's seat containing parts for the mind control device and silently cursed his bumbling associates.
Perhaps, this would teach the asshat to write the plan on a Post-it before he went out and spent 49.99 at Mind Control's-R-Us. Other people referred to that insidious warehouse of horror as Walmart.
The time for learning lessons would have to wait, though, as the beast began destroying a ten foot tall tap dancing and singing reindeer, crushing it quite flat with its huge turtley legs with talons.
There was really only one thing for all the peace loving citizens to wonder.
Who could save Snowydale from such a beast on a rampage?
The next morning, at the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, the Specialfriends were in varying states of duress....and undress.
Captain Tea Cozy adjusted his glasses occasionally as he read the morning newspaper. It was filled with their failed attempts at stopping the latest foe. He wondered what could be done about the fifty foot monster leveling their fair city.
"Whatever shall we do about the fifty foot monster leveling our fair city?" he asked.
Cowboy Guy put back on the ten gallon hat he had been waving enthusiastically and jumped off his mechanical bull, his black chaps and codpiece only outshone by the shiny star pinned to his open leather vest that showed off his chest. "I could try to immobilize the hostile with my Cattle Prod of Truth again," he offered, his country accent twanging.
"You need a longer prod, mate...somewhere between six and ten meters," Nancy Gym Bunny replied with a shake of his peroxide blonde hair. His abs rippled and glistened with oil as he primped and flexed. "Whatever we try, it should be a rear attack."
"You would say that," Overt Sexuality Gal replied, stretching her arms over her head in boredom. The nice accentuation of her rack did not go unnoticed by the person sitting next to her. Overt Sexuality Gal placed her hand on the blonde's thigh and squeezed...well, overtly. She was a 'what you see is what you get' kinda gal.
Princess Repression gasped and recoiled at the touch. Secretly, her heart beat furiously. "Stop that," she said even as she slightly leaned forward, unconsciously asking for more. "You shouldn't do that because it's wrong."
"There are really only two people we can call," Captain Tea Cozy lamented as he put down the paper.
Everyone came to an abrupt halt, which was okay in the conference room, but could've led to a nasty fender bender on a highway.
"You mean....? But didn't they go down to explore the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love?"
"Mmmm, yes," Overt Sexuality replied. "But they really are the only Specialfriends for the job."
"But how will we reach them?" Nancy Gym Bunny pondered.
Captain Tea Cozy finished the last of his morning cup - that signaled it was time for action. "Cowboy Guy...get on the Rainbow Phone. We need the Wonder Lesbians."
Meanwhile at the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, the Wonder Lesbians' secluded vacation spot, two scintillating ladies were currently busy with matters at hand. And mouth.
The Rainbow Phone of Integrity rang, playing the Wonder Lesbian theme:
Lesbians, Wonder Lesbians
A huffy redhead poked her head out from under the blankets, disgruntling the blonde writhing flat on her back upon the mattress.
"Ooohhhhh, honey, phone...can...wait," Tara complained disjointedly as she took a firm grip on the back of her lover's head and pushed her back down where she was needed most.
"Okay, but if an evildoer evades justice while I'm....mmmphh," Willow's mouth suddenly found other things to do for a moment.
"Hi, you've reached the Wonder Lesbians...to leave a non-emergency message for Willow Rosenberg - press 1...to leave a non-emergency message for Tara Maclay - press 2...if this is Good Vibrations confirming an order - press 3...if you need assistance stopping an apocalypse - press the pound key..."
"Willow? Tara? Are you there?" Cowboy Guy's voice rang over the intercom in the den of love.
"Oh, yes...right there," Tara moaned as she ground her hips harder into Willow's questing tongue and mouth.
"Sorry to interrupt your vacation, but we have a hostile situation. Can you get over to the Hall in an hour?"
"Yeeeeeeeeessssssss!" Tara cried, her back arching as spasm after spasm flowed over her.
"Good...we'll see you then."
Willow poked her head out from under the covers once more and asked, "Was that the phone?"
Tara looked at her lover blearily as Willow cuddled into her side.
"Hmm...what about the phone?"
Thirty minutes later, after listening to the phone message and taking a rather steamy shower, the Wonder Lesbians arrived at the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality by way of the Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport. Willow, an accomplished scientist and inventor, built the plane especially for their travels, though she was forced to repair a few glitches that caused nosebleeds on the first few flights.
As they entered the conference room, it was easy to see that they were well-equipped. Each wore their spandexy goodness costumes - Willow's was green with blue piping while Tara's was blue with green piping. Each had a pink triangle on the chest and in the center of it were the letters 'W' and 'L' interposed over one another.
Willow couldn't help but slide her hand over the smooth fabric on Tara's hip and give a playful squeeze. Tara slapped it away nonchalantly.
"Business before pleasure." Tara reminded with a smile.
"Can't we do both?" Willow responded cutely, armed with a pout. The blonde pinched her butt in reply.
"Hiiiiii!" Willow eeped to her superhero compatriots, who had just noticed their arrival. She turned and mock scowled her partner.
"What's the situation?" Tara asked with an innocent shrug though a trace of a smirk remained on her face.
Cowboy Guy lifted up the front page of the Snowydale Herald to show a headline that read 'Monster Crushing Snowydale: Destroying Christmas Spirit One Child at a Time'.
"A fifty foot monster is overrunning the city, destroying stands of overpriced Hickory Farms box sets and year round Christmas boutiques."
"Well, I wouldn't have guessed that one," Tara mused.
"No kidding, baby."
"We set up what footage we could ascertain in your lab." Captain Tea Cozy added helpfully.
"Okay...then we'll get to it," Willow replied just before seeing Tara saucily raise her eyebrow. "And by it...I mean we'll solve the mystery of the big nasty." Tara barely suppressed a giggle. "I mean we'll stop the menacing menace destroying the town."
Willow stuck her tongue out at her lover who sent her a look that flew beyond saucy and went into the naughty sector. The redhead drew her eyes down her lover's body and then wondered why Tara's outfit had to be so gosh darn tight.
She had to admit 99% of the time it was good her partner was such a sex fiend. It was that other 1% that drove Willow crazy with frustration.
Willow and Tara watched the footage of the monster as it attacked a greeting card aisle at a shopping mall, destroying the 'Merry Christmas Eve' and the 'Happy Day Before Christmas Eve' cards with a stomp of its foot.
"It seems to target holiday atrocities," Tara deduced, being the animal behaviorist of the two. She was now wearing her white lab coat and glasses...mostly because Willow had thrown them on her so she could get some work done with less distraction. Willow had also put her own lab coat and glasses on for good measure. Tara sighed, still feeling horny from their interrupted vacation. Science geek Willow was just as hot as the superhero edition.
"My genetic scanner is processing the samples taken from the...last hissy fit," Willow said with a distasteful look. The mutant turtle shed a talon just after it took a power dump on a giant singing Frosty the Snowman in the Snowydale City Park. Now when the attraction tried to sing its monotonous tune, it sounded like a demonic warble.
The large processing computer helpfully labeled 'Wonder Lesbian Analyzer' blinked and dinged before a tiny yellow index card appeared from a slot at waist level.
"It's made of fifty percent box turtle and fifty percent dove...someone is using genetics for evil!"
"Honey...there's only one band of villains maniacal enough to use genetics for evil," Tara deduced aloud, which was very helpful for Willow.
"Based in Snowydale, dear..."
"The Legion of Impractical Malice! When will they learn that tampering with nature is just...just unnatural?" Willow began to pace and start a tirade, but was halted by a special view screen cutting on to show Nancy Gym Bunny's pinched face.
"Oh bollocks...I must have dialed the wrong number, ladies," he mumbled.
"Wait," Willow replied as she removed her glasses and motioned for Tara to do the same.
"Oh...it's you, Wonder Lesbians," he realized as their secret identities were removed.
"We've just learned that the Legion of Impractical Malice created the monster terrorizing the town. We need you and the rest of the Specialfriends to capture them. Tara and I will take care of the mutant."
"THE LEGION OF IMPRACTICAL MALICE!" Nancy Gym Bunny shouted loudly...as opposed to quietly, which would have been less of a shout and more of a whisper.
Tara turned to her lover with in surprise. "You mean we're going to use the..."
"Oh, yeah...the big guns will be just the thing to demutanize our little animal friends. Can you guys take care of the Legion?"
"Those boys need a good spanking..." Nancy Gym Bunny's eyes glazed over.
"Hmm...I think we lost him," Tara noted.
Willow slipped off Tara's lab coat and they began making out.
It wasn't hard to find the fifty foot mutant turtle dove. After all, there was only one atrocity in Snowydale truly atrocious enough to attract such a beast - the twenty-five foot tall lighted Santa Claus holding a baby Jesus in one arm and a menorah in the other. It was sitting on top of the Doublemeat Palace downtown.
Willow was having a hard time focusing on their stakeout, though, mostly because Tara was sitting behind the redhead, dragging her nails up and down a costume clad thigh.
"When will this damn thing get here already?" Willow complained.
"Hmmm...someone's impatient..." Tara purred, the breath tickling Willow's ear. Just before Tara could flick her tongue over the slowly reddening with attention earlobe, the giant mutant turtle dove stomped towards them from the distance.
"About time...ready for action, baby?" Willow asked as she held out her hand.
Tara took the hand and stood, her rack bouncing slightly...much to the appreciation of the redhead.
"Then let's do it..."
"WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! SHAPE OF A BOTZILLA!" they both yelled, transforming into a fifty foot tall womanly shaped robot with shiny armor plating and two large breast cannons.
The turtle managed to pluck the giant lighted decoration off the roof during the transformation process and bit off Santa's head.
Botzilla grabbed the lights strung around a nearby bank tower and formed a make shift lasso. It ensnared the turtle on the first throw, being that the mutant was a.) fucking huge b.) fucking slow and c.) the wonder lesbians were fucking awesome.
Botzilla ran around the block of the Doublemeat Palace, wrapping the mutant's wings up tight before it had a chance to fly away. Then, one of the mechanical arms let go of the makeshift lasso and rubbed a breast causing a metal nipple to jut out of the armor plating and fire a green laser. The laser hit the giant monster, shrinking it into a much less scary box turtle size mutant. Botzilla caught the lights before they fell to the ground and broke. A rub of the other breast caused a second nipple to extend and fire a red ray that demutanized the monster into two cute pet store type animals. The dove flew away and the box turtle began a slow crawl to the Snowydale State Forest just down the street.
Baby...we better fix this before we leave, Willow thought telepathically. Botzilla collected the large string of lights and rehung them with care before becoming their human lesbiany selves again.
Over at the annual Snowydale Christmas Comic Book Convention, Warren and Andrew were standing in line to get tickets to enter.
"It's too bad Jonathan had to go hide in that thicket again," Warren said with a shrug.
"Yeah, but that just gives us more time to be together," Andrew replied with a sigh.
The crowd was suddenly dispersed and the good townspeople cheered at the appearance of the Specialfriends.
"Legion of Impractical Malice...no good will ever come of evil and badness - cos it's just wrong!" Princess Repression announced with her hands on her hips.
"Hey...we better get out of here," Warren said as he started to turn and run.
"Stop! Behold the power of my Blinding Flash," Overt Sexuality Gal said as she ripped open her top, exposing her rack to the populace. Everyone in the area was riveted in place, unable to move.
"The Clean n' Jerk of Justice!" Nancy Gym Bunny yelled as he heaved a barbell at Andrew. It was a direct shot to the back of the head and he fell unconscious.
"Sleepy Time Tea," Captain Tea Cozy primly stated as two streams of tepid tea shot from the special compartments attached to his wrist just under his cardigan. Warren woozily wobbled back and forth before succumbing to slumber in a heap on the ground.
Cowboy Guy fired up his Cattle Prod of Truth, but Captain Tea Cozy put up his hand to halt him. "Let me take care of those two," he ordered. Cowboy Guy reluctantly handed them over.
Captain Tea Cozy stirred and tasted his secret recipe of cranberry pears with an approving nod. There was much to be happy about - Christmas had been saved just in time for his Specialfriends' Christmas Eve dinner party.
"Wow, Capt., that's a lot of meat you've got," Overt Sexuality Gal said with a smirk as she sat down, grabbing a handful of specially carved slices from a serving plate and stuffing them in her mouth.
"You shouldn't eat like that...it's wrong," Princess Repression said as she picked up a plate and used all the appropriate utensils to fill her plate with exact serving size portions.
"Wow...that is a lot of meat, Captain," Cowboy Guy commented as he picked up a plate. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you cooked us up Warren and Andrew."
The group laughed in a victorious, cheesy sort of way as Captain Tea Cozy politely refused to comment.
"Yeah, soylent holiday dinner is made of people," Willow joked as she took a sip of eggnog.
"Good thing we're vegetarians then," Tara added cheerfully as she intertwined her hand with Willow's.
The rest of the Specialfriends dug into the plethora of meat happily...mirroring the dozens of other Snowydale citizens who were also enjoying a good, safe meal without a side helping of wickedness.
Meanwhile Jonathan slowly opened the door of the Legion of Impractical Malice, having just returned from his thicket.
"Hey? Is anybody here?"
He was met with a strange silence.
At that exact moment, just across town at the Snowydale City Park, two men were doing their duty for the citizens of the town.
"Ewww...Warren...this stinks," Andrew complained.
"Just keep shoveling," Warren barked back.
The giant Frosty warbled.
The next morning Willow and Tara arrived back at the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, eager to continue their winter escapades.
"Ohhhhh....Merry Christmas, Tara," Willow screamed...the first of many climaxes that did indeed christen a happy holiday.